I haven't felt like writing lately. Obviously. But I'm here now, and that is what matters. To be honest, I took away from what this blog was originally designed for me to accomplished, almost as if I wasn't taking it seriously, and that is why I stopped. Also, life handed me sour lemons, and I apparently kept them attached to my hip constantly for the past few weeks because it wasn't fun.
Let us begin.
Relationships shouldn't be hard. I'm not talking about the ones that are dipped in romance, but all relationships in general. Friendships, partnerships, lesser/lessee, family relationships, etc. I understand that they need to be tended to, but difficult, no.
I also understand that I am hard headed. It is amazing, even to me, some of the things that slip out of my mouth. Sometimes it feels as though I took a verbal enema, let it set for a while, then let it all out at once. I apologize in advance for my rambling, as well as my lack of keeping things in any certain order. My OCD doesn't cover the need to keep things orderly.
Anyway, I am learning to not speak before coffee. I am learning to not argue over the petty things that can be resolved. I am learning that even though I could say exactly what you want to hear......sometimes I need to keep my mouth shut. I am learning that (gulp) I may not always be right. And I am learning to not say, "I'm Sorry." too much. Okay, now that I am learning these things, I need to be productive and use them. I'm trying.....and learning.
I cancelled all of my classes for this semester. It was a decision that I will hopefully be glad that I made. It was hard to do. I am living with the fact that I want to do a million things all at once. My education just wasn't in the cards for me this term, and I didn't have the energy, the time, the patience, or the nerve to continue. It's good though, I have set my soon to be frost-covered eyes on something else. The story of my wonderful Granny. But, I will come back to that.
It is strange how everything can all go at a person at once. Finances, stress, finances, stress, people, relatives, bill collectors........stress..........BAM.....they all hit me in the face at once. It took me a few days to grab the wheel and take back control over my daily routine. As I am growing older, I can feel that I worry more, that I stress out more. It blows. And don't tell me that it's a part of growing up because that is pure bullshit. :) (And I'm sorry for being so negative, but give me a couple of days.....I'm back to reading E,P,L again, that's a step, and it only takes one) I felt overwhelmed and I couldn't concentrate (insert quitting school here) and I took all of my frustration out on telemarketers (insert people who want to quit their job because of me here). I didn't meditate, because that would require me to sit down, and I hardly ever do that anymore, and the funny thing is, when I think about it, I'm not THAT busy. I just need to make myself sit still and take deep breaths. WHEW.
Over the past few weeks I have been in that place where I miss home, my friends back home, my old house back home..........It's insane to me that I was so ready to get out of there (since birth), and I now miss it. Granted, Matthew McConaughey did purchase a home in Amarillo, the thought is still rather appealing without that tidbit of information. I am going back to visit soon, so this will help with my anxiety on that end.
What else?
Work is same ole same ole, nothing new there. BUT, we have some amazing artists at the shop right now and they should definitely be checked out. We had an event this past Friday for the artists, and there was wine and great food, and it was really nice. It was awesome to be around a lot of people, all there in support (and for free booze), and the fact that there was dim lighting made me feel good too. It was just a nice fall scene, and it (and the wine) loosened me up, and helped rid me of stress and worrysome feelings. Infact, maybe I shall attend parties and drink wine every night. The only downfall was that I was in the alley at night time and saw TWO rats. One jumped. No...I'm serious...JUMPED.
I'm cutting it short now, I'm tired. I am getting some info together to try and write a book about my wonderful and amazing Granny who passed away a few years ago. My heart always goes towards her, and her life is one that deserves to be written about. Even if I am the only who reads it. This has kept me busy the past couple of days, and I love having something else redirect my attention from things that give me stress.
Goodnight, all.
P.S. We trimmed Briggon's hair yesterday. He now feels amazing without 30lbs of fur on his body. He reminds me of a fat kid with a round face whose parents made him get a buzz cut for the summer. He looks like he just stepped out of the dryer. I love him.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Days 26 - 29......Maybe I Know Nothing
Maybe overanalyzing EVERYTHING in my life is causing half of the pain and sorrow I deal with. The past few days have been, putting it mildly, a bit rough. Where do I begin? Let's see......It all started this past Sunday morning.....
I awoke to the scene of my white bedroom and could see gray clouds peeking through the miniblinds. This made me wake up with a huge smile on my face. I like my bedding white....it's a natural and clean look and it looks overly comfortable just looking at it, and when I wake up in the morning it's like I'm on clouds....wait...that sounded really gay....anyway.......
I got out of bed and Mike was lying on the sofa with his coffee watching VH1, so I took Gisele to Starbucks with me for the usual Iced Venti Sugar-free Vanilla Coffee with a non-fat topper, then, and I haven't done this in a while, we went through the drive-thru at Dunkin' Donuts and I picked up a DOZEN donuts. We are talking twelve people, and mmmm mmmm mmmmmmm, they was so good, baby. :) I brought what was left in the donut box up stairs, and we went to some garage sales, and then went to the park.
Keep in mind, I NEVER have Sunday's off. It was borderline amazing, and we spent a long time at the park; the d o double g's didn't mind a bit. It fell so fall like, the trees are starting to change colors, and as I was walking under them picking up Briggon's poop with a baggy (what else would I use), I noticed a huge tree with miniature acorns under it. I then started picking them up. They were everywhere. I was being picky however, only wanting the acorns that had the tops still on them, which made the task difficult. They were sparce. But, I was a determined, for some reason, and Mike started to help me. After a while, I got a pretty good amount, and I put them in an apothecary jar once we got to the apartment.
Once we did get to the apartment, I felt the urge to do some fall cleaning, so I started to clean out closets, I gathered clothes to be donated, books, etc. I was quite pleased with myself. During this time, Mike had gotten called out for a trip, so he had to leave for the airport.
I then spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing until I received a call from "text boy" about helping him move. Now....I know I said that I wasn't, but I discussed it with Amy, and I told her that I wanted to do it to be nice, as a nice gesture, as a piece of Kharma that could later come around. It wasn't that I needed to be saying, "Oh, I did this nice thing for "text boy," oh no, nothing like that, but, I was saying, "It's okay to be friends, I want to help with this." Although, I still felt it rather weird him asking me to help, but it's ok. It's ok. I went and helped for about an hour and a half, then came home. I'm glad that I did it, and that's that. This is about finding happiness, and ultimately helping others always makes you feel good.
On the other hand, I was talking to one of my BFF's, Sandy, and it wasn't even the fact that I liked "text boy", because I didn't want anything, and he wasn't really my type, BUT why do I feel that I have to try to make someone like me like that?!!? Is it the imaginary chase that IS NOT happening? HAHAHAHAHAHA! It cracks me up that I'm like this! It's like, "No, I don't like you, but you damn well better like me." How effed up is that? I'm twisted, and I got it twisted. Another downfall. Boy, oh boy....boys are weird anyway. His other friends and I took a quick break from carrying things up a 4th FLOOR walkup, and I was asked how I knew him. After giving my reply of, "Oh, I sold him furniture a few weeks ago." I wanted to jump into traffic! It was embarrassing and it totally made me look like I was asking for it. In which case, I wasn't. OH! Reliving this moment now makes me want to jump out the window, and note to self: Never, ever wear bronzer when you are going to help someone move and you're sweating your ass off. Not cute. Not one bit. I then came home and chain smoked. :)
I am trying to find something else to take place of money being the root of all that is evil and wrong, again, only when I don't have it. It is awful how you HAVE to have something and how it has sooooo much control over your life. I know that it is a part of life, but, come on, and when you are broke, and don't lie, even OPRAH and her moneybags gets on your nerves. I'm not lying, and this is an example of how I need to push my anger elsewhere. Maybe I'll write her a letter and then I can be the effing princess for a day. :) I had a lot of anger on Monday and Tuesday. It started with money, and it's one of those things that cannot be explained, but happens all of the time. And, in fact, it wasn't even money rather then just being in an angry mood, where nothing can be controlled, nothing can make you happy, you just want to bawl. It was weird. I know that I have some days, when I wish my friends from home were up here to be with me. That's natural, and yet it is still so frustrating knowing that you can't have both....unless you're Oprah. :) I will not move back home, and I am dealing with it, but sometimes I just need my KK. Love you, Kylyn!!!!! I go and walk around the mall, I walk a lot when things like this happens. When moods like these happen. When life happens.
I went back to the park yesterday morning by myself. I found larger acorns. I walked alone, for a few hours. It was so peaceful, and I loved/loathed it at the same time. I truly believe that being alone too much isn't healthy. I'm not saying that I am, I am saying, however, that the path can easily be taken to do so. When I'm alone, the leaves on the trees are richer in color, the grass is full and thicker, the scent from the water of the river is more potent. Maybe this is my time with God, because I notice so much that I don't even think of when I'm with someone else. It's a very surreal feeling. I'm in this huge park, and I'm alone, and I can see the layers and layers of branches over my head and I can see the sky and I can feel peace and a sense of release, even if for a few moments, and I am put at ease, again, even for a few moments. Maybe this is why I'm always drawn here when things get to be too much. It's pure bliss, it is God, and it is my time with Him......and with that, I'm not alone at all.
I have been doing just as good as I was on the smoking thing. But, I was sitting outside smoking last night, and as I was sitting there, and SKUNK came around the corner of the little porch and came half a foot from touching mine! I am convinced that there is a kingdom of skunks around somewhere that has a vendetta against me, for what, I don't know. I threw my cigarette, jumped up, held my breath, ran up the stairs, opened the door, woke Mike up, because I AM NOT going to deal with this without his help, and locked the door. You know, because a skunk can run up three flights of stairs and turn the knob. I dunno, I was in a panic. It was beyond disgusting!!!!! I called 311, they couldn't help me. I called pest control this morning, but they want money, and so do I, so we had a draw. I believe I will have to call the landlord. We will see. By we, I mean me, because I am apparently the only one who they bother. Stilll, I don't know, but I am sorry you gross, disease-ridden rodents for whatever it is that I did.
I'm much better tonight. The dogs are lying in front of me on the bed fast asleep. I love it. I have some old skool r&b on the radio and I'm enjoying the downtime. Just gotta keep on keeping on.....keep your head up. :)
I awoke to the scene of my white bedroom and could see gray clouds peeking through the miniblinds. This made me wake up with a huge smile on my face. I like my bedding white....it's a natural and clean look and it looks overly comfortable just looking at it, and when I wake up in the morning it's like I'm on clouds....wait...that sounded really gay....anyway.......
I got out of bed and Mike was lying on the sofa with his coffee watching VH1, so I took Gisele to Starbucks with me for the usual Iced Venti Sugar-free Vanilla Coffee with a non-fat topper, then, and I haven't done this in a while, we went through the drive-thru at Dunkin' Donuts and I picked up a DOZEN donuts. We are talking twelve people, and mmmm mmmm mmmmmmm, they was so good, baby. :) I brought what was left in the donut box up stairs, and we went to some garage sales, and then went to the park.
Keep in mind, I NEVER have Sunday's off. It was borderline amazing, and we spent a long time at the park; the d o double g's didn't mind a bit. It fell so fall like, the trees are starting to change colors, and as I was walking under them picking up Briggon's poop with a baggy (what else would I use), I noticed a huge tree with miniature acorns under it. I then started picking them up. They were everywhere. I was being picky however, only wanting the acorns that had the tops still on them, which made the task difficult. They were sparce. But, I was a determined, for some reason, and Mike started to help me. After a while, I got a pretty good amount, and I put them in an apothecary jar once we got to the apartment.
Once we did get to the apartment, I felt the urge to do some fall cleaning, so I started to clean out closets, I gathered clothes to be donated, books, etc. I was quite pleased with myself. During this time, Mike had gotten called out for a trip, so he had to leave for the airport.
I then spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing until I received a call from "text boy" about helping him move. Now....I know I said that I wasn't, but I discussed it with Amy, and I told her that I wanted to do it to be nice, as a nice gesture, as a piece of Kharma that could later come around. It wasn't that I needed to be saying, "Oh, I did this nice thing for "text boy," oh no, nothing like that, but, I was saying, "It's okay to be friends, I want to help with this." Although, I still felt it rather weird him asking me to help, but it's ok. It's ok. I went and helped for about an hour and a half, then came home. I'm glad that I did it, and that's that. This is about finding happiness, and ultimately helping others always makes you feel good.
On the other hand, I was talking to one of my BFF's, Sandy, and it wasn't even the fact that I liked "text boy", because I didn't want anything, and he wasn't really my type, BUT why do I feel that I have to try to make someone like me like that?!!? Is it the imaginary chase that IS NOT happening? HAHAHAHAHAHA! It cracks me up that I'm like this! It's like, "No, I don't like you, but you damn well better like me." How effed up is that? I'm twisted, and I got it twisted. Another downfall. Boy, oh boy....boys are weird anyway. His other friends and I took a quick break from carrying things up a 4th FLOOR walkup, and I was asked how I knew him. After giving my reply of, "Oh, I sold him furniture a few weeks ago." I wanted to jump into traffic! It was embarrassing and it totally made me look like I was asking for it. In which case, I wasn't. OH! Reliving this moment now makes me want to jump out the window, and note to self: Never, ever wear bronzer when you are going to help someone move and you're sweating your ass off. Not cute. Not one bit. I then came home and chain smoked. :)
I am trying to find something else to take place of money being the root of all that is evil and wrong, again, only when I don't have it. It is awful how you HAVE to have something and how it has sooooo much control over your life. I know that it is a part of life, but, come on, and when you are broke, and don't lie, even OPRAH and her moneybags gets on your nerves. I'm not lying, and this is an example of how I need to push my anger elsewhere. Maybe I'll write her a letter and then I can be the effing princess for a day. :) I had a lot of anger on Monday and Tuesday. It started with money, and it's one of those things that cannot be explained, but happens all of the time. And, in fact, it wasn't even money rather then just being in an angry mood, where nothing can be controlled, nothing can make you happy, you just want to bawl. It was weird. I know that I have some days, when I wish my friends from home were up here to be with me. That's natural, and yet it is still so frustrating knowing that you can't have both....unless you're Oprah. :) I will not move back home, and I am dealing with it, but sometimes I just need my KK. Love you, Kylyn!!!!! I go and walk around the mall, I walk a lot when things like this happens. When moods like these happen. When life happens.
I went back to the park yesterday morning by myself. I found larger acorns. I walked alone, for a few hours. It was so peaceful, and I loved/loathed it at the same time. I truly believe that being alone too much isn't healthy. I'm not saying that I am, I am saying, however, that the path can easily be taken to do so. When I'm alone, the leaves on the trees are richer in color, the grass is full and thicker, the scent from the water of the river is more potent. Maybe this is my time with God, because I notice so much that I don't even think of when I'm with someone else. It's a very surreal feeling. I'm in this huge park, and I'm alone, and I can see the layers and layers of branches over my head and I can see the sky and I can feel peace and a sense of release, even if for a few moments, and I am put at ease, again, even for a few moments. Maybe this is why I'm always drawn here when things get to be too much. It's pure bliss, it is God, and it is my time with Him......and with that, I'm not alone at all.
I have been doing just as good as I was on the smoking thing. But, I was sitting outside smoking last night, and as I was sitting there, and SKUNK came around the corner of the little porch and came half a foot from touching mine! I am convinced that there is a kingdom of skunks around somewhere that has a vendetta against me, for what, I don't know. I threw my cigarette, jumped up, held my breath, ran up the stairs, opened the door, woke Mike up, because I AM NOT going to deal with this without his help, and locked the door. You know, because a skunk can run up three flights of stairs and turn the knob. I dunno, I was in a panic. It was beyond disgusting!!!!! I called 311, they couldn't help me. I called pest control this morning, but they want money, and so do I, so we had a draw. I believe I will have to call the landlord. We will see. By we, I mean me, because I am apparently the only one who they bother. Stilll, I don't know, but I am sorry you gross, disease-ridden rodents for whatever it is that I did.
I'm much better tonight. The dogs are lying in front of me on the bed fast asleep. I love it. I have some old skool r&b on the radio and I'm enjoying the downtime. Just gotta keep on keeping on.....keep your head up. :)
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Days 22 - 24..........It Takes Two, Boo
Over the past few days, it has come to my attention that for as many things that happen throughout the course of a day, it takes two people interacting to accomplish them. Whether it be a conversation, a bad phone call, an amazing rapport, or a text that is sent from one person and is read and analyzed by the other, someone has to be on the other end.
I'll come back to that.
I have definitely been having more good days than bad days. It's a complete life change trying to be positive, and what I have noticed from it is how negative many people are. Just kidding, but not really. But what really stands out, is when I start to get down on myself, or start having a bad day, it is so easy to be sucked into it, and just let everything ruin the rest of the day. I have trouble there.
For instance, Friday was a real BITCH. I mean, it was just an awful day. It started from, literally, the moment I rolled over in bed and checked my phone and see a text message from "text boy" that was weird and I didn't like it. There have been a lot of mixed signals, and I did go the night before to see his new digs, and by the way it's a great space, and it was fun. I still wasn't asked much about myself, but it was nice all the same. Anyway, i receive a message of, "Dinner with friends is always a good time!" This was replying to my text from the night before asking to go to dinner. BURNED!!!!! I felt completely lame, but my amazing and fabulous friend, Sandy, told me that I'm not, and she is always right. It just felt like kind of a waste, because he is genuinely a nice and goodlooking guy, but if he doesn't even want to get to know me, that's ok too. It just brought out a bit of insecurity and self-consciousness that wasn't fun to deal with, but I dealt with it. AND, I in all honesty dealt with it the wrong way because all I did all day was bitch about it, and that was a roadbump in the road of my journey to happiness. So I need to figure out another way to deal with it. Ultimately, I'm not a game player (for the most part), and I'm straight forward (sometimes). I'm over it now. UPDATE : He just texted me asking if I was going to help him move. WTF?!?!?!? Okay, now I'm only kind of over it. :) And before ya'll get all Ricki Lake on me, I'm not going to help him move, so put that hand down and close your mouth. I know better. Now I have to stop.
My brain is a bit fried because I have been overanalyzing all kinds of crap over and over in my head all week. I would love to hear someone's opinion to yoga, or tai chi, or an actual meditation class. Please, let me know. I am probably repeating myself on this blog, but, I am CONSTANTLY thinking about EVERYTHING. It has helped getting it all on here, but sometimes it's just too much.
And can I just say that I dislike money very much. Well, I dislike what happens when you don't really have money. Yes, I'm in school. Yes, I have a job. Yet, I hate feeling persecuted because this is late or that is past due. Honestly big time corporations, get over it. The person you are employing to call and harrass me, who is going through the exact same thing that I'm going through with another company, is not going to make me give you money faster. The big words and dialogue that is written down for them to read isn't going to make me say, "Hey, screw eating and not paying rent, I'm going to give you money that you shouldn't have." Wow, you're too smart, and don't get me started on how your whole business is run by machines, in which case, you will soon be replaced by a computer, who will of course not require such a hefty salary. Now......back to happiness.
I think that my venting on here helps with my happiness. I don't see venting as being bitchy, or whatever, well maybe, but, it has to come out some way. Maybe I could meditate it out....if I could shadooby it out I would.......I know that I shouldn't have other people read it....it's just a process. And, as you all know, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I took off work tomorrow. I'm so excited but I have to help someone move all day. Lol, psych your mind, I'm just kidding. I'm gonna do some pre-fall cleaning around this joint and hang out with the kids and enjoy the day!!!! I need to get back to posting everyday too, but I'm doing the best I can.
Nighty night.
I'll come back to that.
I have definitely been having more good days than bad days. It's a complete life change trying to be positive, and what I have noticed from it is how negative many people are. Just kidding, but not really. But what really stands out, is when I start to get down on myself, or start having a bad day, it is so easy to be sucked into it, and just let everything ruin the rest of the day. I have trouble there.
For instance, Friday was a real BITCH. I mean, it was just an awful day. It started from, literally, the moment I rolled over in bed and checked my phone and see a text message from "text boy" that was weird and I didn't like it. There have been a lot of mixed signals, and I did go the night before to see his new digs, and by the way it's a great space, and it was fun. I still wasn't asked much about myself, but it was nice all the same. Anyway, i receive a message of, "Dinner with friends is always a good time!" This was replying to my text from the night before asking to go to dinner. BURNED!!!!! I felt completely lame, but my amazing and fabulous friend, Sandy, told me that I'm not, and she is always right. It just felt like kind of a waste, because he is genuinely a nice and goodlooking guy, but if he doesn't even want to get to know me, that's ok too. It just brought out a bit of insecurity and self-consciousness that wasn't fun to deal with, but I dealt with it. AND, I in all honesty dealt with it the wrong way because all I did all day was bitch about it, and that was a roadbump in the road of my journey to happiness. So I need to figure out another way to deal with it. Ultimately, I'm not a game player (for the most part), and I'm straight forward (sometimes). I'm over it now. UPDATE : He just texted me asking if I was going to help him move. WTF?!?!?!? Okay, now I'm only kind of over it. :) And before ya'll get all Ricki Lake on me, I'm not going to help him move, so put that hand down and close your mouth. I know better. Now I have to stop.
My brain is a bit fried because I have been overanalyzing all kinds of crap over and over in my head all week. I would love to hear someone's opinion to yoga, or tai chi, or an actual meditation class. Please, let me know. I am probably repeating myself on this blog, but, I am CONSTANTLY thinking about EVERYTHING. It has helped getting it all on here, but sometimes it's just too much.
And can I just say that I dislike money very much. Well, I dislike what happens when you don't really have money. Yes, I'm in school. Yes, I have a job. Yet, I hate feeling persecuted because this is late or that is past due. Honestly big time corporations, get over it. The person you are employing to call and harrass me, who is going through the exact same thing that I'm going through with another company, is not going to make me give you money faster. The big words and dialogue that is written down for them to read isn't going to make me say, "Hey, screw eating and not paying rent, I'm going to give you money that you shouldn't have." Wow, you're too smart, and don't get me started on how your whole business is run by machines, in which case, you will soon be replaced by a computer, who will of course not require such a hefty salary. Now......back to happiness.
I think that my venting on here helps with my happiness. I don't see venting as being bitchy, or whatever, well maybe, but, it has to come out some way. Maybe I could meditate it out....if I could shadooby it out I would.......I know that I shouldn't have other people read it....it's just a process. And, as you all know, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I took off work tomorrow. I'm so excited but I have to help someone move all day. Lol, psych your mind, I'm just kidding. I'm gonna do some pre-fall cleaning around this joint and hang out with the kids and enjoy the day!!!! I need to get back to posting everyday too, but I'm doing the best I can.
Nighty night.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Days 19-21.......How do I Balance My Life, When I don't Balance My Checkbook?
Well, school started on Monday. I was a bit nervous, I don't know why. I mean, I talk to people for a living, yet when I walked into the classroom, I felt like a kindergartener who was shy to ask to borrow another kid's crayon. It just takes time, I guess.........
I think that the classes are going to be pretty cool. Two Englishes and one Biology, so my load is definitely lighter than last semester. I just have to figure out how to balance everything. Between Mike being gone on a trip, the dogs and cat, school, work, blah, blah, blah.......I really need to figure it out. I usually get to the point where I am so overwhelmed, that I get that shakey nervous feeling and then just call a bill collector and vent to them. In which case, it isn't their problem.....but I'm sure that they deal with a lot more worse people than me. :)
I've done pretty good so far getting on a schedule with everything, so adding school shouldn't be that much of an issue, I very well could just be adding drama that isn't necessary.
Not much else really happening within the past few days. I may have to turn away from my Eat, Pray, Love because I now have to read about 150 pages from my American Lit. class everyweek. I am determined though to finish it on my pursuit of what is pursueable, and that is, ultimate happiness.
I learned a new word in American Lit. class today. Liminal. Liminal - a psychological, neurological, or metaphysical subjective, conscious state of being on the "threshold" of or between two different existential planes. We then discussed the word, and I thought it rather interesting. Our discussion was based on a writing of Samuel de Champlain. We were talking about just being. Just to BE. In his writings, he talks of going from one place to another, in which case, could be a lifelong struggle, and considered liminal. I am in a liminal state as I try to find a more possible happy outcome after my journey. Yet, we are all on a journey. We as a people are always working towards something better, towards something that we don't have, and possibly towards the American Dream. This is an ongoing process, and one that usually lasts a lifetime. What if we were to just "be"? Just live to live, and not worry about possessions materialistic or whathaveyou, JUST LIVE. Wouldn't that be considered ultimate happiness because you are just being? You are living. You're content and you are not in a liminal state. Isn't it weird knowing that we are liminally living in a state of always being between two.....of anything? I find it weird, but I also find it fascinating!
Anyway, as I stay in my liminal state towards a greater happiness, I will continue to find some sort of balance that will compliment my life and coincide with it without causing difficulty, all the while thinking, "What would it be like to just 'be'?"
I think that the classes are going to be pretty cool. Two Englishes and one Biology, so my load is definitely lighter than last semester. I just have to figure out how to balance everything. Between Mike being gone on a trip, the dogs and cat, school, work, blah, blah, blah.......I really need to figure it out. I usually get to the point where I am so overwhelmed, that I get that shakey nervous feeling and then just call a bill collector and vent to them. In which case, it isn't their problem.....but I'm sure that they deal with a lot more worse people than me. :)
I've done pretty good so far getting on a schedule with everything, so adding school shouldn't be that much of an issue, I very well could just be adding drama that isn't necessary.
Not much else really happening within the past few days. I may have to turn away from my Eat, Pray, Love because I now have to read about 150 pages from my American Lit. class everyweek. I am determined though to finish it on my pursuit of what is pursueable, and that is, ultimate happiness.
I learned a new word in American Lit. class today. Liminal. Liminal - a psychological, neurological, or metaphysical subjective, conscious state of being on the "threshold" of or between two different existential planes. We then discussed the word, and I thought it rather interesting. Our discussion was based on a writing of Samuel de Champlain. We were talking about just being. Just to BE. In his writings, he talks of going from one place to another, in which case, could be a lifelong struggle, and considered liminal. I am in a liminal state as I try to find a more possible happy outcome after my journey. Yet, we are all on a journey. We as a people are always working towards something better, towards something that we don't have, and possibly towards the American Dream. This is an ongoing process, and one that usually lasts a lifetime. What if we were to just "be"? Just live to live, and not worry about possessions materialistic or whathaveyou, JUST LIVE. Wouldn't that be considered ultimate happiness because you are just being? You are living. You're content and you are not in a liminal state. Isn't it weird knowing that we are liminally living in a state of always being between two.....of anything? I find it weird, but I also find it fascinating!
Anyway, as I stay in my liminal state towards a greater happiness, I will continue to find some sort of balance that will compliment my life and coincide with it without causing difficulty, all the while thinking, "What would it be like to just 'be'?"
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Days 17 & 18........Lethal Perception
Let's get down to business. I am coming to the conclusion that having a perception for people can be a very bad thing. At least, in my case, during these past few days, it has been. Let's start with Example #1....and feel free to take notes:
I have been texting with someone for over a week now. There was a movie that we both attended, about five minutes of friendly banter, then some more texting.....not as much as before, but it was still on going. This handsome man has purchased things from me, we text about furniture, and that's about it. So, to see if there is any interest there (I'm not looking for a relationship, but still.....) I extend an invitation to do something outside of visiting at my place of work or texting. I get a reply that states, pretty much, that they're busy this week (which they are), and that it isn't that, "I'm not not wanting to." Really? The downfall of this whole uneventful escapade is the fact that there hasn't been much talk about anything else except for furniture that he is purchasing. And let's face it, as much as I enjoy talking about furniture, it's not as much fun as talking about myself. :) I'm kidding, but let's get real, you can't really get to know someone in this type of setting unless you learn about them outside on a personal basis, and not on a home improving scale. The bottom line is that it is hard knowing that you are being perceived through text messaging, for the most part, where you cannot see emotions or senses of sarcasm on the screen of a Blackberry, and this, for lack of a better use of words, sucks ass. He very well could be a great guy, he certainly has amazing taste, and hopefully I will be able to surpass the technology of text messaging and get to know him in person. We'll see.
Example #2
Whoever coined the phrase, "If you think you hate everyone on the planet, talk to someone who works in retail," obviously had bad experience in the field, but they weren't completely off the mark, in fact, they were quite close. It's hard to travel through a journey of finding happiness when there are some hateful people in this world. Take a mother and her son who were both in the store today with her husband and his wife looking at home accessories. I was very friendly and smiling and doing my job. There was no reason for The Mother to give me the evil eye and act as though I was getting ready to hand out the Swine Flu for Halloween. First it was, "well, if my son buys a lot of clearance items, can you take a little off the price?" "No, I can't." I tell her this and she just stares at me......awkward. It went on and on, and she thought that I was swindling them into buying all of these things at apparently what she thought to be high prices, when infact they were marked down over 60% off and consisted of merely a couple of lamps, a mirror, and a little dresser. My goodness, you would have thought that I was trying to sell them a used car at the price of a new Audi. It's this perception crap.
Her perception of me was a "sleezy" salesman. And, of course, I'm not. Which brings me to my point. It's almost like judgement. Actually, they could be given hand in hand on most levels. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Don't judge a person by their text messages. Don't judge a person because of their clothing, or job, or status, or car, or whatever. It's sad, but I realized that I do it, and that I shouldn't, and it really opens your eyes! It is insane to me to think that I have the right to assume that I am better than somebody else, only by taking them at face-value. Jeez. Just a little somthing to think about as I continue my journey.
I start classes tomorrow, wish me much luck!
Dream Sweet.
I have been texting with someone for over a week now. There was a movie that we both attended, about five minutes of friendly banter, then some more texting.....not as much as before, but it was still on going. This handsome man has purchased things from me, we text about furniture, and that's about it. So, to see if there is any interest there (I'm not looking for a relationship, but still.....) I extend an invitation to do something outside of visiting at my place of work or texting. I get a reply that states, pretty much, that they're busy this week (which they are), and that it isn't that, "I'm not not wanting to." Really? The downfall of this whole uneventful escapade is the fact that there hasn't been much talk about anything else except for furniture that he is purchasing. And let's face it, as much as I enjoy talking about furniture, it's not as much fun as talking about myself. :) I'm kidding, but let's get real, you can't really get to know someone in this type of setting unless you learn about them outside on a personal basis, and not on a home improving scale. The bottom line is that it is hard knowing that you are being perceived through text messaging, for the most part, where you cannot see emotions or senses of sarcasm on the screen of a Blackberry, and this, for lack of a better use of words, sucks ass. He very well could be a great guy, he certainly has amazing taste, and hopefully I will be able to surpass the technology of text messaging and get to know him in person. We'll see.
Example #2
Whoever coined the phrase, "If you think you hate everyone on the planet, talk to someone who works in retail," obviously had bad experience in the field, but they weren't completely off the mark, in fact, they were quite close. It's hard to travel through a journey of finding happiness when there are some hateful people in this world. Take a mother and her son who were both in the store today with her husband and his wife looking at home accessories. I was very friendly and smiling and doing my job. There was no reason for The Mother to give me the evil eye and act as though I was getting ready to hand out the Swine Flu for Halloween. First it was, "well, if my son buys a lot of clearance items, can you take a little off the price?" "No, I can't." I tell her this and she just stares at me......awkward. It went on and on, and she thought that I was swindling them into buying all of these things at apparently what she thought to be high prices, when infact they were marked down over 60% off and consisted of merely a couple of lamps, a mirror, and a little dresser. My goodness, you would have thought that I was trying to sell them a used car at the price of a new Audi. It's this perception crap.
Her perception of me was a "sleezy" salesman. And, of course, I'm not. Which brings me to my point. It's almost like judgement. Actually, they could be given hand in hand on most levels. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Don't judge a person by their text messages. Don't judge a person because of their clothing, or job, or status, or car, or whatever. It's sad, but I realized that I do it, and that I shouldn't, and it really opens your eyes! It is insane to me to think that I have the right to assume that I am better than somebody else, only by taking them at face-value. Jeez. Just a little somthing to think about as I continue my journey.
I start classes tomorrow, wish me much luck!
Dream Sweet.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Day 16......A Skunk is NOT a Kitty
I didn't sleep much last night and I woke up at 1 o'clock in the morning to check my bank account. I know that I said I was going to stop, but my phone was lying right there next to my trusty eye mask, and the man's soothing automated voice was calling for me. So, I obliged. Then, at 3am, I was craving a Diet Sprite, and I haven't had a Diet Sprite since the last time I was sick, when you're supposed to drink Diet Sprite, because that's what you do. I was tempted to walk to 7-11, but it was rainy.
THEN I woke up at 6am, and that is when I began my day, at the Spin Cycle ready to do laundry half an hour later. Poor Mike, I sometimes feel sorry for him when I'm ready to conquer the world so early, and by world, I mean go shopping at thrift stores and garage sales before work. Why must I always be up and ready to go right when I wake up? I'm not one to just lounge around and watch sexy Matt Lauer on the Today Show, start the coffee maker, and lie on the sofa. No, no, no, not me, I have to jump in the shower, take the dogs to the park, then go to Starbucks and listen to whatever hip indie/jazzy music they're playing, THEN come home and watch sexy Matt Lauer on the Today Show as I prepare lunch for the morning and sweep the hardwood, all this even before a morning BM. I mean, seriously, sometimes I wish I could calm down and relax and just go with it. But, if I just go with it, I feel that I'm going to miss something, but in all honesty, I'm not going to miss anything. I'm rambling........
So, one of my all time favorite things to do in the morning is go to Target. I literally cannot get enough. I walk into that store with the biggest grin on my face, carrying it all the way to the Method cleaning products (because the Sweet Water scent makes me CRAZY). Then I just walk around and do nothing. Maybe this is my relaxation. wait........Maybe this is my relaxation? That's better. What if, instead of lying on the sofa sipping coffee, my relaxation is Target? Hmmmmm. Ladies and gentle ladies, I believe I have just had a breakthrough. Infact, what if my relaxation is really, in all honesty, walking around ANY retail establishment? It is my duty to relax, and if I must shop around in stores to accomplish full relaxation, who am I to not give myself this sense of zen? Ok then. Next time I go to Target, I will go to their "Serene CD" section next to maternity and meditate on something amazing, that only Target would have, and reach out to the wonderful towels and bath sheets that are so soft that I could, and probably would, meditate until I reached a perfect, no stress, utter perfection of what being carefree really is. Wow, that felt good.
I had a great day at work today, too. I had done a design consultation at a customer's house this past Monday, and he came in today to check out the ideas I had for his space. He really liked them and pretty much said, "Let's do it." So we did....and I'm going to help stage the space once it's delivered.
After work I went to the mall to buy hand soaps from Bath and Body Works, another guilty pleasure. Bath and Body Works is very much like Sephora, whereas it is a mecca for product whores like myself. I love it. Then I came home, went to Walgreens, went to get my winning lotto ticket, blah, blah, blah......and THEN, on my way home, I was walking past what I thought was a cat, when.....in fact.....it was......gulp.....a.......SKUNK! I had always thought that urban skunks were a myth.......but no, they are infact very real. It was dark on the block, and I saw it start to run away, and I could hear it's disgusting nails hitting the pavement as it ran down the sidewalk. I stood there, then I moved to the left, then the right.....I looked like I was doing the Electric Slide in the middle of an effing Cul-de-Sac, by myself, at 9:30 at night. Oh the humanity! Then it ran infront of me, crossing the road, I wanted to vomit. I couldn't vomit though, because for some reason, I was just as worried about the smell. I kept sniffing, and sniffing, then holding my breath and sniffing some more. Nothing. Thank God. I didn't want to get it on me, and knowing my luck, everyone in the apartment building where the incident was occuring in front of, would have opened their windows only to see a lone white boy with a serious gas problem. Not to be dramatic.
But alas, I am now lying in bed working on my blog, and I smell of Warm Vanilla Sugar from Bath and Body Works thanks to my trusty new bottle of hand soap. Life is good.
Abientot.
THEN I woke up at 6am, and that is when I began my day, at the Spin Cycle ready to do laundry half an hour later. Poor Mike, I sometimes feel sorry for him when I'm ready to conquer the world so early, and by world, I mean go shopping at thrift stores and garage sales before work. Why must I always be up and ready to go right when I wake up? I'm not one to just lounge around and watch sexy Matt Lauer on the Today Show, start the coffee maker, and lie on the sofa. No, no, no, not me, I have to jump in the shower, take the dogs to the park, then go to Starbucks and listen to whatever hip indie/jazzy music they're playing, THEN come home and watch sexy Matt Lauer on the Today Show as I prepare lunch for the morning and sweep the hardwood, all this even before a morning BM. I mean, seriously, sometimes I wish I could calm down and relax and just go with it. But, if I just go with it, I feel that I'm going to miss something, but in all honesty, I'm not going to miss anything. I'm rambling........
So, one of my all time favorite things to do in the morning is go to Target. I literally cannot get enough. I walk into that store with the biggest grin on my face, carrying it all the way to the Method cleaning products (because the Sweet Water scent makes me CRAZY). Then I just walk around and do nothing. Maybe this is my relaxation. wait........Maybe this is my relaxation? That's better. What if, instead of lying on the sofa sipping coffee, my relaxation is Target? Hmmmmm. Ladies and gentle ladies, I believe I have just had a breakthrough. Infact, what if my relaxation is really, in all honesty, walking around ANY retail establishment? It is my duty to relax, and if I must shop around in stores to accomplish full relaxation, who am I to not give myself this sense of zen? Ok then. Next time I go to Target, I will go to their "Serene CD" section next to maternity and meditate on something amazing, that only Target would have, and reach out to the wonderful towels and bath sheets that are so soft that I could, and probably would, meditate until I reached a perfect, no stress, utter perfection of what being carefree really is. Wow, that felt good.
I had a great day at work today, too. I had done a design consultation at a customer's house this past Monday, and he came in today to check out the ideas I had for his space. He really liked them and pretty much said, "Let's do it." So we did....and I'm going to help stage the space once it's delivered.
After work I went to the mall to buy hand soaps from Bath and Body Works, another guilty pleasure. Bath and Body Works is very much like Sephora, whereas it is a mecca for product whores like myself. I love it. Then I came home, went to Walgreens, went to get my winning lotto ticket, blah, blah, blah......and THEN, on my way home, I was walking past what I thought was a cat, when.....in fact.....it was......gulp.....a.......SKUNK! I had always thought that urban skunks were a myth.......but no, they are infact very real. It was dark on the block, and I saw it start to run away, and I could hear it's disgusting nails hitting the pavement as it ran down the sidewalk. I stood there, then I moved to the left, then the right.....I looked like I was doing the Electric Slide in the middle of an effing Cul-de-Sac, by myself, at 9:30 at night. Oh the humanity! Then it ran infront of me, crossing the road, I wanted to vomit. I couldn't vomit though, because for some reason, I was just as worried about the smell. I kept sniffing, and sniffing, then holding my breath and sniffing some more. Nothing. Thank God. I didn't want to get it on me, and knowing my luck, everyone in the apartment building where the incident was occuring in front of, would have opened their windows only to see a lone white boy with a serious gas problem. Not to be dramatic.
But alas, I am now lying in bed working on my blog, and I smell of Warm Vanilla Sugar from Bath and Body Works thanks to my trusty new bottle of hand soap. Life is good.
Abientot.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Day 15........What's in a Name?
We are now on Day 2 of rain. I am rather enjoying it and see it as a sneak preview of fall. I finally got to get my books today at Northeastern, and I start school on Monday! It is amazing to me how 9 hours of school costs almost $300 in books. CRAZY! I have to be careful too, because I had $574 from Financial Aid, and I could go shopping with the rest of it in the bookstore. And believe me, I could! I was good though. We will see about tomorrow.
So.......today I had a customer in the store, who is a regular, and he called me "Patrick". Then, I had another customer come in today and asked, "It's Brett, right?" He was from New Zealand with an amazing accent, so I let that one slide. At the same time, during the course of today, I am having texting issues with a guy, and it is just annoying. It's too much! I was feeling sorry for myself until "text" guy came in to say 'hi'. Now it's awkward texts (or lack thereof) again. Oh well.
I was walking home from work, with a bit of a drizzle, and about 62 degrees, and it was awesome. I thought for a while about what was making me happy. I also thought that maybe, just maybe, to find true happiness I should try to be happy with what I have in my life now. Hmmmm?? The next few days I will ponder more into this and see what happens.
I'm about to read now, I was debating earlier on shortening my name from Brad, to something else, but if you can't remember a four letter name, then I don't care to get to know you anyway. I type this with the utmost positive energy.
Goodnight.
So.......today I had a customer in the store, who is a regular, and he called me "Patrick". Then, I had another customer come in today and asked, "It's Brett, right?" He was from New Zealand with an amazing accent, so I let that one slide. At the same time, during the course of today, I am having texting issues with a guy, and it is just annoying. It's too much! I was feeling sorry for myself until "text" guy came in to say 'hi'. Now it's awkward texts (or lack thereof) again. Oh well.
I was walking home from work, with a bit of a drizzle, and about 62 degrees, and it was awesome. I thought for a while about what was making me happy. I also thought that maybe, just maybe, to find true happiness I should try to be happy with what I have in my life now. Hmmmm?? The next few days I will ponder more into this and see what happens.
I'm about to read now, I was debating earlier on shortening my name from Brad, to something else, but if you can't remember a four letter name, then I don't care to get to know you anyway. I type this with the utmost positive energy.
Goodnight.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Day 14.........The Beat Goes On
So yesterday I went to the movies with a guy who is a customer of mine from work, and it was two, two and a half minute conversations, one before, and one after the movie. He is a nice guy, but it was weird because we really still do not know each other. I just wanted to get that out of the way.......
You know those days where you wake up at 5:47am, wanting a huge apple pancake, and you're willing to take the train all the way downtown to have one? Well, this morning was one of those mornings. Luckily, I rolled over and grabbed my eye mask and forced myself to go back to sleep.
I woke up again a little before 8 o'clock and convinced Mike to go to the burbs so that I could have an adventure trip to Hobby Lobby. It was rainy, and gray, and nothing beats a cloudy day than having craft hour at THE place of crafts. I hadn't been since I lived in Amarillo, over two years ago, so it was great. :) They had aisles and aisles of fall decorations and even Christmas ornaments and I was in Heaven! Then after that, after we left Hobby Lobby, we went to IKEA, where I had three levels of happiness. It was madness, madness that was needed.
I kept a close eye on my supposed 'control-freak' issue, noticing a bit of what Bryan was talking about as I drew a blank picture with my fingers of directions that the man at the gas station was giving me. After saying, "so it's almost like driving in a three-sided square, huh?" four times, I gave up. I looked like I was giving a meeting, and the woman behind me only wanted to pay for her Marlboro 100's, and I could tell that the man behind the counter thought I was an idiot. So with that, I put my fingers down and walked back out to the car with nothing, really. Oh well.
Later this afternoon, I walked through the park to Starbucks to grab an iced coffee, and as soon as I walked back out of the store it was pouring. I was only 6 blocks away from home, so I decided to call my friend, Dana, and walk it. I lasted about 15 minutes, and then I had to call Mike to get me. I was soaked, and it was kind of nice, because I really didn't care until the end. I got home and took a nap, something I never do, then ate my weight in Orange Chicken. MMMMMMMM.
I didn't call my bank once today. I didn't call any bill collector's once today. I let go.....today. I'm going to read past page 12 tonight with Eat, Pray, Love. I'm feeling good and I ripped out a new frangrance I like for fall out of the new GQ. Go me.
Nighty night.
You know those days where you wake up at 5:47am, wanting a huge apple pancake, and you're willing to take the train all the way downtown to have one? Well, this morning was one of those mornings. Luckily, I rolled over and grabbed my eye mask and forced myself to go back to sleep.
I woke up again a little before 8 o'clock and convinced Mike to go to the burbs so that I could have an adventure trip to Hobby Lobby. It was rainy, and gray, and nothing beats a cloudy day than having craft hour at THE place of crafts. I hadn't been since I lived in Amarillo, over two years ago, so it was great. :) They had aisles and aisles of fall decorations and even Christmas ornaments and I was in Heaven! Then after that, after we left Hobby Lobby, we went to IKEA, where I had three levels of happiness. It was madness, madness that was needed.
I kept a close eye on my supposed 'control-freak' issue, noticing a bit of what Bryan was talking about as I drew a blank picture with my fingers of directions that the man at the gas station was giving me. After saying, "so it's almost like driving in a three-sided square, huh?" four times, I gave up. I looked like I was giving a meeting, and the woman behind me only wanted to pay for her Marlboro 100's, and I could tell that the man behind the counter thought I was an idiot. So with that, I put my fingers down and walked back out to the car with nothing, really. Oh well.
Later this afternoon, I walked through the park to Starbucks to grab an iced coffee, and as soon as I walked back out of the store it was pouring. I was only 6 blocks away from home, so I decided to call my friend, Dana, and walk it. I lasted about 15 minutes, and then I had to call Mike to get me. I was soaked, and it was kind of nice, because I really didn't care until the end. I got home and took a nap, something I never do, then ate my weight in Orange Chicken. MMMMMMMM.
I didn't call my bank once today. I didn't call any bill collector's once today. I let go.....today. I'm going to read past page 12 tonight with Eat, Pray, Love. I'm feeling good and I ripped out a new frangrance I like for fall out of the new GQ. Go me.
Nighty night.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Days 10-13........Hunny, We're Gonna Need More Paper
For the record, I am going to try to keep this blog as upbeat as possible, but it has been a hard few days. I think that with the opportunity of much happiness, much unhappiness has to be taken care of as well, and this is the part that sucks ass. It is a process that, in itself, takes time, but there is essentially a lot of heartache that goes with it. So as I sit here at Panera drowning my sorrows of the day in a Cinnamon Crunch Bagel with plain shmear, a Chocolate Fudge Brownie, a Chocolate Duet Cookie with Walnuts, and, of course, a diet coke, I will try as much as possible to sort out things as I post them onto here. Scratch that.......I'm probably going to use a lot of curse words, be negative, and use more curse words. Maybe this will help me cope. Come on people, it's a process.
My weekend started out great. My workday Saturday was almost a carbon-copy from Friday night. There were many sales, and it was wonderful commission day. My brother also flew up here and he and Mike landed at the same time, so they took the train together while I was at work.
It is funny to me how when someone is passionate about something, they can be considered a control-freak. For the most part I guess this could be true, except for when it comes to me, in which case I feel completely misunderstood and that my actions are scrutinized, irrationalized and blown out of proportion.
I have felt very hormonal these past few days. One minute I was happy, then the next I was bossy, then the next I was sad, then the next I was being positive, then the next I was scratching for nicotine under my freshly bitten fingernails, then the next I was......blah, blah, BLAH. It was never ending and I was like a Jack-in-the-box of girly emotions. :) My brother called me a control-freak as I was driving us back to my apartment from dinner. He may have had every right to, but I was, in all honesty, comfortable listening to THAT song, at THAT volume, with THAT window rolled down. And maybe I am a control-freak, being as if he has a song that he likes playing on the radio, I change it anyway. But, there you have it, I took his criticism, processed it, and I'm doing with it what I want to. The point is, at least I'm working on something of me, and maybe that will help me on my journey.
Yesterday and today I was having issues with being lonely, sad, confused, tired, utterly over-it, and all of the above. I was using toilet paper for everything from crying, to you-know-what, to cleaning up Briggon's vomit, to blowing my nose.....and when there are three men in the apartment, that's a lot of rolls. I buy the dollar toilet paper, so I'm pretty sure that the trees used to make it are cheaper, and by that I mean, that they don't cost as much as expensive trees. ;) Seriously though, I was just feeling so alone.......I hate that feeling. I left my brother at the train this afternoon knowing that I was going back to the apartment with nothing there. It was the worst feeling in the world. I didn't want him to go, and the one thing worse than feeling alone, is knowing that you are, in fact, alone. It made me a zombie. It was almost as if I tuned everything out so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I don't do that. I never do that. If something needs to be dealt with, I fucking deal with it, and that is probably a huge part of my problem. Maybe I should sometimes just leave stuff alone. Maybe I should let itself work out, and if it doesn't, then screw it; life goes on. If I keep telling myself this, I may start doing it. I have been doing rather well on other things, so I know that this is something that I can overcome.
Getting rid of the "unhappiness" in my life is very hard sometimes, considering a lot of it comes from what I thought made me happy. Doesn't it feel like a gunshot wound right through the nipple when you find out it's not true? It's like a really bad joke that is only funny to the person whom is telling it, and you feel like it was just time you wasted during your life that you know you're not getting back. Whether it be from a relationship, a friendship, a job, a movie, a restaurant, some things just cause unhappiness. I feel like I'm having a garage sale, but it's probably going to be donated because it isn't worth anything, and come to find out, nobody even wants it. Sometimes, the joke just so happens to be on you. Ha fucking ha.
I will try to have a positive outlook tomorrow. It will be a brand-new day, and I will hopefully have a brand-new attitude. I knew there would be bad days, and hopefully today was just one of a handful that will come. As long as I keep going, I know that the weeks will get better.
Goodnight.
My weekend started out great. My workday Saturday was almost a carbon-copy from Friday night. There were many sales, and it was wonderful commission day. My brother also flew up here and he and Mike landed at the same time, so they took the train together while I was at work.
It is funny to me how when someone is passionate about something, they can be considered a control-freak. For the most part I guess this could be true, except for when it comes to me, in which case I feel completely misunderstood and that my actions are scrutinized, irrationalized and blown out of proportion.
I have felt very hormonal these past few days. One minute I was happy, then the next I was bossy, then the next I was sad, then the next I was being positive, then the next I was scratching for nicotine under my freshly bitten fingernails, then the next I was......blah, blah, BLAH. It was never ending and I was like a Jack-in-the-box of girly emotions. :) My brother called me a control-freak as I was driving us back to my apartment from dinner. He may have had every right to, but I was, in all honesty, comfortable listening to THAT song, at THAT volume, with THAT window rolled down. And maybe I am a control-freak, being as if he has a song that he likes playing on the radio, I change it anyway. But, there you have it, I took his criticism, processed it, and I'm doing with it what I want to. The point is, at least I'm working on something of me, and maybe that will help me on my journey.
Yesterday and today I was having issues with being lonely, sad, confused, tired, utterly over-it, and all of the above. I was using toilet paper for everything from crying, to you-know-what, to cleaning up Briggon's vomit, to blowing my nose.....and when there are three men in the apartment, that's a lot of rolls. I buy the dollar toilet paper, so I'm pretty sure that the trees used to make it are cheaper, and by that I mean, that they don't cost as much as expensive trees. ;) Seriously though, I was just feeling so alone.......I hate that feeling. I left my brother at the train this afternoon knowing that I was going back to the apartment with nothing there. It was the worst feeling in the world. I didn't want him to go, and the one thing worse than feeling alone, is knowing that you are, in fact, alone. It made me a zombie. It was almost as if I tuned everything out so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I don't do that. I never do that. If something needs to be dealt with, I fucking deal with it, and that is probably a huge part of my problem. Maybe I should sometimes just leave stuff alone. Maybe I should let itself work out, and if it doesn't, then screw it; life goes on. If I keep telling myself this, I may start doing it. I have been doing rather well on other things, so I know that this is something that I can overcome.
Getting rid of the "unhappiness" in my life is very hard sometimes, considering a lot of it comes from what I thought made me happy. Doesn't it feel like a gunshot wound right through the nipple when you find out it's not true? It's like a really bad joke that is only funny to the person whom is telling it, and you feel like it was just time you wasted during your life that you know you're not getting back. Whether it be from a relationship, a friendship, a job, a movie, a restaurant, some things just cause unhappiness. I feel like I'm having a garage sale, but it's probably going to be donated because it isn't worth anything, and come to find out, nobody even wants it. Sometimes, the joke just so happens to be on you. Ha fucking ha.
I will try to have a positive outlook tomorrow. It will be a brand-new day, and I will hopefully have a brand-new attitude. I knew there would be bad days, and hopefully today was just one of a handful that will come. As long as I keep going, I know that the weeks will get better.
Goodnight.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Day 9........When It Rains, It Pours
As I lie here watching Bridget Jones Diary, I ask myself, "If I gain 40lbs, fake an English accent, will I get my choice between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth?" Probably not, but it is a bit fun to think about it, and my choice would clearly be Colin Firth, for some reasons which are clear, and others which will remain private.
Today was a GREAT day! I had many customers come back into the store to make purchases and one $6000 sale! This is a big deal for a small furniture/home accessories store, as well as for my paycheck. I had a small heart to heart with management, and was told that if I wanted to keep my job until I found a new one, that I could hold my two weeks notice.
I received an email today from a customer who wanted to schedule me to go to his apartment for a design consultation. I was supposed to have arrived at 8pm, but had to cancel until Monday due to the fact that I was held at work by a couple furnishing their new condo. THEN, a customer who has come in a few times, came back in today to pick some other things out for his new apartment. It's hard to keep it cool when your stomach is in your throat and you're light headed and UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I composed myself, helped him out and gave him advice, and did the best I could to play it cool, but at the same time, play it smooth. I'm sure I failed miserably, and he was handsome and so nice..............and I just received an email to go out for coffee............it's great to make friends through work. :)
My brother, Bryan, is flying up tomorrow. I'm excited and we're just going to relax, go to some thrift stores, the beach, the batting cages, etc; just hang out and probably do some swimming. I'm going to take him to the Forest Preserve too.
You know, I told Mike tonight that being positive and staying focused on being happy is really helping and showing a major affect on my life....and on his. There has been less stress and good things have happened. It makes me hopeful for what has yet to come, and I'm 112% geared up for the road ahead.
I just wanted to post something quick, I'm sorry it's short.
Goodnight to all!
Today was a GREAT day! I had many customers come back into the store to make purchases and one $6000 sale! This is a big deal for a small furniture/home accessories store, as well as for my paycheck. I had a small heart to heart with management, and was told that if I wanted to keep my job until I found a new one, that I could hold my two weeks notice.
I received an email today from a customer who wanted to schedule me to go to his apartment for a design consultation. I was supposed to have arrived at 8pm, but had to cancel until Monday due to the fact that I was held at work by a couple furnishing their new condo. THEN, a customer who has come in a few times, came back in today to pick some other things out for his new apartment. It's hard to keep it cool when your stomach is in your throat and you're light headed and UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I composed myself, helped him out and gave him advice, and did the best I could to play it cool, but at the same time, play it smooth. I'm sure I failed miserably, and he was handsome and so nice..............and I just received an email to go out for coffee............it's great to make friends through work. :)
My brother, Bryan, is flying up tomorrow. I'm excited and we're just going to relax, go to some thrift stores, the beach, the batting cages, etc; just hang out and probably do some swimming. I'm going to take him to the Forest Preserve too.
You know, I told Mike tonight that being positive and staying focused on being happy is really helping and showing a major affect on my life....and on his. There has been less stress and good things have happened. It makes me hopeful for what has yet to come, and I'm 112% geared up for the road ahead.
I just wanted to post something quick, I'm sorry it's short.
Goodnight to all!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Day 8.........Why? Because I Said Ho.
I accidentally called my boss a ho today. Actually, a hoe. I was replying to an email from my phone, and my damn (damn is not a bad word) automated text picked the word "hoe", instead of "got". Whoops. At least my email made no sense, and he figured it out. Technology these days, however scary it may be, can run my entire life, or apparently ruin it, so it should be able to read my mind. I'm just saying. Cell phone companies are probably waiting until the holidays to come out with that function for your phone though. Crazy hooplah.
Today was a bittersweet day. My coworker and wonderful friend, Amy, worked her last day today at our place of employment. There are certain people that come into your life where you immediately make a connection that will last a lifetime. She is one of those people to me. Love you, Amy!!! I will terribly miss working with you!
I had a job interview today that took place during my lunch break and I was really excited about it. I hadn't worn a belt in so long that this morning I was tearing through my closet trying to find one. I found one, and only one. Well, to be honest I found, like, 112, but 111 of them were Mike's and I was not blessed with his waistsize. Gisele had chewed on the end of my only belt, making it look like a small piece of black-colored chewed up bubble gum. Exquisite! I had no time to run to the local thrift store before work, so with only the means of my innovative wit to get by, I took a black Sharpie and a hot iron and made it work. The interview went really well, yet the pay offered was a bit off. A BIT. I was offered employment but I am going to take a couple of days to think about it. It goes to show that if people tell you there aren't any job opportunities out there, they're not looking hard enough. Jobs are out there, and this gave me hope in knowing that I will find something that will be just like me and my Sheer Blonde hair pomade, a perfect fit, and an amazing combination of what only dreams are made of.
I am impressed with the positive energy I've been carrying around with me. For instance, when there was a guy driving really slow in front of me down Lincoln Ave., I didn't shout foul language, nor did I give sign language learned from "The Road Rager's Guide to Driving in the City." I simply got into the other lane, lifted my hand when my car got next to their car, and turned up the radio because a Pink Floyd song came on. I was very proud of myself. And guess what, it wasn't even worth it, and I'm sure the next guy behind him gave him the finger and said a few choice words. It's too bad for him. ;)
I even tried meditating today while on hold with the Electric company. Their hold music is very zen and classical and I totally zoned out for 6 to 8 minutes until the next representative was connected. It was thuper great.
Anyway, I'm quite tired now, and Heidi Klum just said, "you're out", and I have to do what she says or else I'll have to buy one of her husband's CD's.
Goodnight everyone!
Today was a bittersweet day. My coworker and wonderful friend, Amy, worked her last day today at our place of employment. There are certain people that come into your life where you immediately make a connection that will last a lifetime. She is one of those people to me. Love you, Amy!!! I will terribly miss working with you!
I had a job interview today that took place during my lunch break and I was really excited about it. I hadn't worn a belt in so long that this morning I was tearing through my closet trying to find one. I found one, and only one. Well, to be honest I found, like, 112, but 111 of them were Mike's and I was not blessed with his waistsize. Gisele had chewed on the end of my only belt, making it look like a small piece of black-colored chewed up bubble gum. Exquisite! I had no time to run to the local thrift store before work, so with only the means of my innovative wit to get by, I took a black Sharpie and a hot iron and made it work. The interview went really well, yet the pay offered was a bit off. A BIT. I was offered employment but I am going to take a couple of days to think about it. It goes to show that if people tell you there aren't any job opportunities out there, they're not looking hard enough. Jobs are out there, and this gave me hope in knowing that I will find something that will be just like me and my Sheer Blonde hair pomade, a perfect fit, and an amazing combination of what only dreams are made of.
I am impressed with the positive energy I've been carrying around with me. For instance, when there was a guy driving really slow in front of me down Lincoln Ave., I didn't shout foul language, nor did I give sign language learned from "The Road Rager's Guide to Driving in the City." I simply got into the other lane, lifted my hand when my car got next to their car, and turned up the radio because a Pink Floyd song came on. I was very proud of myself. And guess what, it wasn't even worth it, and I'm sure the next guy behind him gave him the finger and said a few choice words. It's too bad for him. ;)
I even tried meditating today while on hold with the Electric company. Their hold music is very zen and classical and I totally zoned out for 6 to 8 minutes until the next representative was connected. It was thuper great.
Anyway, I'm quite tired now, and Heidi Klum just said, "you're out", and I have to do what she says or else I'll have to buy one of her husband's CD's.
Goodnight everyone!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Day 7......Two Weeks Notice, If You Behave Yourself
After a fun speedbump of the day, Mike and I went to the pool for some rest and relaxation. If I could swim for a living I would, I love it. While being entirely consumed by water, I realized that it was similar to the situation I am currently in. There is always a chance that I can stay under and hit the bottom, or, I can float to the top, take a deep breath, and keep on a truckin'. I love a challenge.
We went to the Forest Preserve today with the dogs after we swam. It was amazing, and it is hard to believe that it is only a few miles away from my apartment. It reminded us of Red River and it was beautiful. The dogs loved it, and it was Utopia for me as well. We made it back to the apartment before the storms hit, and I received a phone call from a potential employer requesting an interview tomorrow!!!!! Wish me luck, it is a wonderful place where I would be lucky to work!
I am now just relaxing and about to meet my wonderful friend, and soon-to-be ex coworker Amy, for a drink. Did I mention her notice is in at work as well? I have more to add, but I will do it later on.
Have a great night!
P.S. My dad officially turned old (by my standards) two years ago, but his birthday was yesterday! Everytime my parents have a birthday, it makes me feel old, isn't that weird?
We went to the Forest Preserve today with the dogs after we swam. It was amazing, and it is hard to believe that it is only a few miles away from my apartment. It reminded us of Red River and it was beautiful. The dogs loved it, and it was Utopia for me as well. We made it back to the apartment before the storms hit, and I received a phone call from a potential employer requesting an interview tomorrow!!!!! Wish me luck, it is a wonderful place where I would be lucky to work!
I am now just relaxing and about to meet my wonderful friend, and soon-to-be ex coworker Amy, for a drink. Did I mention her notice is in at work as well? I have more to add, but I will do it later on.
Have a great night!
P.S. My dad officially turned old (by my standards) two years ago, but his birthday was yesterday! Everytime my parents have a birthday, it makes me feel old, isn't that weird?
Day 6.....Money Can't Buy It (Well, Maybe a Little)
I woke up yesterday morning with Gisele patting her head on my face until I moved. It was a great day. The weather here in Chicago was picture-perfect, and the dogs and I took advantage. We went to the park, twice. The second time we went it was quite hot and sunny. So, we tried to lay out a bit, which didn't work out that well considering that Briggon was trying to jump in my lap every 2 seconds and Gisele only wanted to play with her soccer ball. They never tire out!
I was lucky enough to find at the library 'Eat, Pray, Love' and 'The Last Lecture'. I started EPL last night, and I expect that it will be a great read. I was at the library for about an hour last night. Yeah, I closed it down. Haha, don't people normally close the bar? Oh well, that's how I roll. I love the atmosphere of a good library, and if they have a good movie selection, even better.
One thing that I did yesterday morning, that I need to rid myself of, is reaching over to the nightstand, grabbing my phone, and dialing the automated system to my bank account. I did this while still half asleep and with Gisele still tapping her head on my face. I don't know why I feel the need to know my sense of worth, or in the case, lack thereof, first thing in the morning. Maybe if I had the phone number to the automated system that handled Oprah's bank account, and called it every morning, I would feel much better. But, this is one of my dilemmas. Why does money have to be such a huge part of my daily routine? I know I have to have money, but the amount that I have shouldn't be such an issue that I start my daily activities with a call to Bank of America. This will definitely be something that I will start to work on.
Due to my procrastinating nature, I have yet to really sit down and make lists and goals that I hope to complete within the time frame I am allowing myself. I will get it done though. If not, I will just blame it on what every other grown adult in America over the age of 25 does when they cannot finish something, and blame it on a self diagnosis of A.D.D.
Today, I am going to swim, sunburn, and lay on the grass and read. Briggon has a doctor's appointment as we speak, Mike took him, and then the rest of the day will be that of relaxation. Ha, look at me being all positive.
Have a great day everyone!
P.S. I didn't have a cigarette yesterday, nor have I had one yet today. It's much easier when I'm not at work.
I was lucky enough to find at the library 'Eat, Pray, Love' and 'The Last Lecture'. I started EPL last night, and I expect that it will be a great read. I was at the library for about an hour last night. Yeah, I closed it down. Haha, don't people normally close the bar? Oh well, that's how I roll. I love the atmosphere of a good library, and if they have a good movie selection, even better.
One thing that I did yesterday morning, that I need to rid myself of, is reaching over to the nightstand, grabbing my phone, and dialing the automated system to my bank account. I did this while still half asleep and with Gisele still tapping her head on my face. I don't know why I feel the need to know my sense of worth, or in the case, lack thereof, first thing in the morning. Maybe if I had the phone number to the automated system that handled Oprah's bank account, and called it every morning, I would feel much better. But, this is one of my dilemmas. Why does money have to be such a huge part of my daily routine? I know I have to have money, but the amount that I have shouldn't be such an issue that I start my daily activities with a call to Bank of America. This will definitely be something that I will start to work on.
Due to my procrastinating nature, I have yet to really sit down and make lists and goals that I hope to complete within the time frame I am allowing myself. I will get it done though. If not, I will just blame it on what every other grown adult in America over the age of 25 does when they cannot finish something, and blame it on a self diagnosis of A.D.D.
Today, I am going to swim, sunburn, and lay on the grass and read. Briggon has a doctor's appointment as we speak, Mike took him, and then the rest of the day will be that of relaxation. Ha, look at me being all positive.
Have a great day everyone!
P.S. I didn't have a cigarette yesterday, nor have I had one yet today. It's much easier when I'm not at work.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Day 4 & 5........One, Two, Three, Four, Tell Me That You'll Pay Me More
I'm sitting in Starbucks watching it rain, such a nice day. I apologize for not posting anything last night, I had no internet access for the latter part of the evening. Yesterday was a pretty good day! I didn't have to be at work until 11:30am, and I only had to work until 5. The dogs and I did our normal morning routine and went to the park to play soccer then went through the drive-thru at Starbucks. The people that work there pretty much know them, so Briggon and Gisele usually end up with either a small cup of whipped cream each, or a biscuit. I am still trying different ways of brushing off stress or crazy customers, and I'm doing a pretty good job! I have found that smiling helps. My amazing coworker Amy and I had some pretty insane customers for about the last hour at work yesterday. It was rainy all day, and I guess they didn't enjoy it? They were a bit rude and it was over nothing. I didn't even let it bother me. Amy and I did make a few remarks back and forth, but I really didn't let it affect me. I left work, and left all that happened that day there too.
I didn't make my daily purchase for cigarettes yesterday either. Even though I did give Amy a dollar when I needed one of hers, I didn't do it that much.
It's funny to me how people can try to send out their negative energy to others. I received emails last night starting around 11pm via my Blackberry since my computer wasn't working. I may have the email function turned off of my phone, because I really don't feel the need to be that tied to technology and it is a bit of a nuisance for the most part. Anyway, email can be used as a chicken-shit way of getting points across that should be done in person. Most people have probably done it, but with some things, they should definitely be left until the receiver is actually standing in front of you. I don't mean to be so vague about the situation, but, trust me when I say that it was not necessary and a bit uncalled for. I was upset at first and it was the last thing I read before I went to sleep. Thank you, kind person. I am ever so greatful, I now know what not to do, my dear superior.
I have been thinking that if all else fails, I will be a dog-walker. It pays rather well, believe it or not, and it will be something that is flexible with my school schedule. With the prospect of that and maybe a gig at Starbucks, or even an internship with someone who needs English majors, I'll be set. As long as I can still provide for my family, I'm happy. If life is full of struggles, then struggle I shall do. ;)
This morning after my and the dogs' soccer game, I came home, did laundry, put up the new curtain rods, cleaned, and bathed Briggon and Gisele. Gisele, whom I call "little one", was a handful. I had to hold her in the bathtub with one hand and bathe her with the other one. On the positive side, she dries in five minutes, whereas it takes 3 towels, a Sham-wow, a hair-dryer, and much time and patience to get Briggon even halfway dry. They despise bath-time, but they love it as they run out of their supposed jail cell that Mike and I call the bathroom.
The rest of today was lazy. I kept the television on AMC which was showing Mystic Pizza, and I just layed on the couch.
I really love the rain. I can tell that fall is approaching.....everywhere I go Halloween candy and costumes are popping up. Walgreens already has two aisles displaying rows and rows of candy. This approach baffles me, and makes most people ready for the holiday to be over before it even gets here.
My days are much better, even after 5, knowing that I am on a path of less stress. I will dig deeper into things as I continue my journey, but just keeping it in my head that I will not let bad energy get to me, has helped so much!
Have a good one!
I didn't make my daily purchase for cigarettes yesterday either. Even though I did give Amy a dollar when I needed one of hers, I didn't do it that much.
It's funny to me how people can try to send out their negative energy to others. I received emails last night starting around 11pm via my Blackberry since my computer wasn't working. I may have the email function turned off of my phone, because I really don't feel the need to be that tied to technology and it is a bit of a nuisance for the most part. Anyway, email can be used as a chicken-shit way of getting points across that should be done in person. Most people have probably done it, but with some things, they should definitely be left until the receiver is actually standing in front of you. I don't mean to be so vague about the situation, but, trust me when I say that it was not necessary and a bit uncalled for. I was upset at first and it was the last thing I read before I went to sleep. Thank you, kind person. I am ever so greatful, I now know what not to do, my dear superior.
I have been thinking that if all else fails, I will be a dog-walker. It pays rather well, believe it or not, and it will be something that is flexible with my school schedule. With the prospect of that and maybe a gig at Starbucks, or even an internship with someone who needs English majors, I'll be set. As long as I can still provide for my family, I'm happy. If life is full of struggles, then struggle I shall do. ;)
This morning after my and the dogs' soccer game, I came home, did laundry, put up the new curtain rods, cleaned, and bathed Briggon and Gisele. Gisele, whom I call "little one", was a handful. I had to hold her in the bathtub with one hand and bathe her with the other one. On the positive side, she dries in five minutes, whereas it takes 3 towels, a Sham-wow, a hair-dryer, and much time and patience to get Briggon even halfway dry. They despise bath-time, but they love it as they run out of their supposed jail cell that Mike and I call the bathroom.
The rest of today was lazy. I kept the television on AMC which was showing Mystic Pizza, and I just layed on the couch.
I really love the rain. I can tell that fall is approaching.....everywhere I go Halloween candy and costumes are popping up. Walgreens already has two aisles displaying rows and rows of candy. This approach baffles me, and makes most people ready for the holiday to be over before it even gets here.
My days are much better, even after 5, knowing that I am on a path of less stress. I will dig deeper into things as I continue my journey, but just keeping it in my head that I will not let bad energy get to me, has helped so much!
Have a good one!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Day 3......Another Gay, Another Bawler
I just watched an older gay man crying on the Antique Roadshow because an art expert gave him an appraisal of $120,000 to $180,000 for a nicotine-covered painting that was left to him by his mother. Could you imagine! That is a piece of hidden happiness right there, and who knew that years of cigarette smoke could give a painting a vintage-like appeal?
It was slow at work today so there isn't much to report. I had some great conversations with a few customers and also a few friends. I wanted to go out tonight, but it's hard to get ready to go out when your roommate has to go to bed at 8 o'clock in the evening. I need music and liveliness to get ready! So right now I'm just hanging out watching some black and white starring Bogart.
I think I am going to have to work a lot harder on things then I first thought. Monday will probably be a great time to make lists, and hopes and etc. I need to set up a "Visualization Board" in the office to help me, well, visualize. I only had a few cigarettes today, which is good, but I also had two snocones. It is insane to me how most people really do replace one addiction with another. I'm trying to think of different things instead of eating, to do instead of smoking. I'll figure it out eventually. I've lost 15 pounds, and I'm not looking for them.
Goodnight everyone!
It was slow at work today so there isn't much to report. I had some great conversations with a few customers and also a few friends. I wanted to go out tonight, but it's hard to get ready to go out when your roommate has to go to bed at 8 o'clock in the evening. I need music and liveliness to get ready! So right now I'm just hanging out watching some black and white starring Bogart.
I think I am going to have to work a lot harder on things then I first thought. Monday will probably be a great time to make lists, and hopes and etc. I need to set up a "Visualization Board" in the office to help me, well, visualize. I only had a few cigarettes today, which is good, but I also had two snocones. It is insane to me how most people really do replace one addiction with another. I'm trying to think of different things instead of eating, to do instead of smoking. I'll figure it out eventually. I've lost 15 pounds, and I'm not looking for them.
Goodnight everyone!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Day 2......One Day at a Time
I'm tired. I know that things cannot change over night and that patience is a virtue, so I'm dealing with that. I did however find myself not participating in gossip and just walking away. It was nice, and a person really doesn't see how much of this goes on unless they step back and take a look.
I was no angel though. I had the mouth of a sailor today. Again, I know it's going to take time, so I'm not worried about not doing amazingly well the second day. I do know that some days are harder than others. The smoking wasn't that bad, I only had a couple of three. I am really tired, lol!!! I'm sitting on the sofa with my laptop about to fall fast asleep.
My place of employment was a bit better today and I have at least a couple of more weeks of breathing a sigh of relief, after that, who knows?
I'm keeping it short today. I went to Borders to look for the book "The Last Lecture" that was recommended by my cousin, Crystal, after an amazing Chinese buffet that filled me up. I did embarrass Mike a little bit when I didn't like the fortune in my fortune cookie and asked for another one. I didn't see anything wrong with it.
Ok peeps, Gisele is looking at me wanting some attention from her dad. This is one of my favorite parts of my day, so I'm going to go enjoy it. a bientot.
I was no angel though. I had the mouth of a sailor today. Again, I know it's going to take time, so I'm not worried about not doing amazingly well the second day. I do know that some days are harder than others. The smoking wasn't that bad, I only had a couple of three. I am really tired, lol!!! I'm sitting on the sofa with my laptop about to fall fast asleep.
My place of employment was a bit better today and I have at least a couple of more weeks of breathing a sigh of relief, after that, who knows?
I'm keeping it short today. I went to Borders to look for the book "The Last Lecture" that was recommended by my cousin, Crystal, after an amazing Chinese buffet that filled me up. I did embarrass Mike a little bit when I didn't like the fortune in my fortune cookie and asked for another one. I didn't see anything wrong with it.
Ok peeps, Gisele is looking at me wanting some attention from her dad. This is one of my favorite parts of my day, so I'm going to go enjoy it. a bientot.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Day 1......Taking a Deep Breath
What a day to start finding my true happiness! I woke up to my cat, Tia, standing on top of the nightstand next to the bed crying in my face. This was at 5:40 a.m. and set off a chain of events that ended with the aroma of Folgers creeping its head into my bedroom fifteen minutes later. Both dogs, Briggon and Gisele, heard Tia and ran from the hallway into my room, ready to attack. Incase I forgot to tell you, this was all at 5:40 a.m. I covered my head with my pillow listening to Mike take the dogs outside for their morning BM's, then he came inside and started the coffee pot. I quickly ran for the bedroom door to shut it, turned the air conditioner on, put the eye mask I have on standby over my eyes, and whisked myself back into my dream of Channing Tatum teaching me dance moves for an audition of "Step Up 3". Pure bliss.
One thing that I am definitely going to work on during these 100 days is my morning-self. Apparently, when I first arise for a brand new day, I am bitchy. Not always mind you, only when there is someone else in the apartment. Even in the morning, as I learned this morning, I feel the need to have the last word. Having a petty argument this morning that I cannot even recall the basis of tonight proves that my last word will not be remembered. Thus, what was the point of almost starting the day off with a negative situation? Tricky stuff that I am dealing with here. I will try to think with my head (gulp), instead of rushing to open my mouth.
In all honesty, I have no desire to speak of my job, but for this to be an honest blog, I will be an honest person. To grow as a person, I need to open myself 100% in order to fully view the extent of chaos in my life and blah, blah, blah. I just may not always be specific, but being a small-town boy, more times than not, I will be. :)
Being layed off and losing my job has never really affected me......until today. My stomach was in knots. I had that feeling in my stomach where it felt like an ulcer, a kidney stone, a gallbladder stone, and appendicitis were fusing together to form some sort of mid-body crisis that made me wish Pepto Bismol ran from the tap. I was insanely nervous and became numb to the fact that I very well could become a member of an economical statistic for 2009......the bad side. I noticed how everytime that I made myself nervous about my job, I would run outside and have a cigarette. I am going to do my best to completely quit smoking, so tomorrow at work rather than reach for a Parliament Light, I am going to take cheap Vodka and keep it close by and reach for it instead. I'm kidding, I'll take some amazingly refreshing peppermint gum. Maybe three packs. Seriously though, I am always so sorry to hear of people losing their employment due to the recession just as much as I despise even hearing about the recession, and I never thought that I would have to worry about it. I may not have to much longer. I can faintly make out a door closing, but I see a small window that's open right above it and with my new approach to not eating carbs, my ass may very well fit through it, but we will have to see, and for now, this is the end of this topic.
I walked the 35 minutes home from work today. This truly gives me enjoyment. It lets me clear my head and the funny thing is I don't even think about anything while I'm walking home. Maybe that's why I love it so much. There is no bank account (or lack there of) going through my head, no bills, no chores to do; it is utter peace. It is me smiling for 35 minutes and breathing and living and not worrying. It is one thing I shall do more of.
I will tuck myself in tonight knowing that I put forth an honest effort towards my goal of sublime happiness, a small one maybe, but at least it was an effort, and hopefully tomorrow it will not be as exhausting. ;)
Goodnight.
P.S. I only said the word 'shit' twice today, and the word 'asshole' once, but he deserved it and who am I to not tell the truth. Only three uses of profanity in one day? My languauge is definitely getting better, which makes me feel better.
One thing that I am definitely going to work on during these 100 days is my morning-self. Apparently, when I first arise for a brand new day, I am bitchy. Not always mind you, only when there is someone else in the apartment. Even in the morning, as I learned this morning, I feel the need to have the last word. Having a petty argument this morning that I cannot even recall the basis of tonight proves that my last word will not be remembered. Thus, what was the point of almost starting the day off with a negative situation? Tricky stuff that I am dealing with here. I will try to think with my head (gulp), instead of rushing to open my mouth.
In all honesty, I have no desire to speak of my job, but for this to be an honest blog, I will be an honest person. To grow as a person, I need to open myself 100% in order to fully view the extent of chaos in my life and blah, blah, blah. I just may not always be specific, but being a small-town boy, more times than not, I will be. :)
Being layed off and losing my job has never really affected me......until today. My stomach was in knots. I had that feeling in my stomach where it felt like an ulcer, a kidney stone, a gallbladder stone, and appendicitis were fusing together to form some sort of mid-body crisis that made me wish Pepto Bismol ran from the tap. I was insanely nervous and became numb to the fact that I very well could become a member of an economical statistic for 2009......the bad side. I noticed how everytime that I made myself nervous about my job, I would run outside and have a cigarette. I am going to do my best to completely quit smoking, so tomorrow at work rather than reach for a Parliament Light, I am going to take cheap Vodka and keep it close by and reach for it instead. I'm kidding, I'll take some amazingly refreshing peppermint gum. Maybe three packs. Seriously though, I am always so sorry to hear of people losing their employment due to the recession just as much as I despise even hearing about the recession, and I never thought that I would have to worry about it. I may not have to much longer. I can faintly make out a door closing, but I see a small window that's open right above it and with my new approach to not eating carbs, my ass may very well fit through it, but we will have to see, and for now, this is the end of this topic.
I walked the 35 minutes home from work today. This truly gives me enjoyment. It lets me clear my head and the funny thing is I don't even think about anything while I'm walking home. Maybe that's why I love it so much. There is no bank account (or lack there of) going through my head, no bills, no chores to do; it is utter peace. It is me smiling for 35 minutes and breathing and living and not worrying. It is one thing I shall do more of.
I will tuck myself in tonight knowing that I put forth an honest effort towards my goal of sublime happiness, a small one maybe, but at least it was an effort, and hopefully tomorrow it will not be as exhausting. ;)
Goodnight.
P.S. I only said the word 'shit' twice today, and the word 'asshole' once, but he deserved it and who am I to not tell the truth. Only three uses of profanity in one day? My languauge is definitely getting better, which makes me feel better.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Night Before Happiness..........
It is a rough world out there. I sometimes think I'm happy and that I'm living and loving my life, and BAM, it hits me, I haven 't the slightest clue. Happiness can be ruined by an argument, stress, another day of trying to quit smoking, a bad day at work, a rainy day, another depressing movie on Lifetime, etc. I'm sure that when I am confronted by these random acts of "unhappiness" I go full force into a direction that I shouldn't. However, my actions are hopefully about to change.
For 100 days I will try to shed a new light on how I deal with things that take my happiness away. My desire is to learn how to deal with stress in a way that is beneficial to me, to the world, and to my happiness. During these days, I will try and not use profanity, I will not be catty, I will recycle, I will do things that I love, I will do things that I've always wanted to do, and I will become a better person. In three hours, my negativity is out the window. In three hours, my life will start a journey of what I hope endures growth, spirituality, and an enlightened look at what happiness really means to me. I hope to get a better sense of myself, and to find out exactly who I am.
My ultimate goal is genuine happiness, and in all honesty, isn't that the goal of everyone?
This will be a learning experience for me and also an overall look at viewing my life day by day. I would normally say that I hope this isn't a waste of time; but that's just me being negative. Since I'm ridding myself of old habits, I'm going to type the word 'fuck' to get that out of the way too. Fuck.....sorry just needed one more........here we go........
PS If there are any suggestions to help me on this journey, please share them!
For 100 days I will try to shed a new light on how I deal with things that take my happiness away. My desire is to learn how to deal with stress in a way that is beneficial to me, to the world, and to my happiness. During these days, I will try and not use profanity, I will not be catty, I will recycle, I will do things that I love, I will do things that I've always wanted to do, and I will become a better person. In three hours, my negativity is out the window. In three hours, my life will start a journey of what I hope endures growth, spirituality, and an enlightened look at what happiness really means to me. I hope to get a better sense of myself, and to find out exactly who I am.
My ultimate goal is genuine happiness, and in all honesty, isn't that the goal of everyone?
This will be a learning experience for me and also an overall look at viewing my life day by day. I would normally say that I hope this isn't a waste of time; but that's just me being negative. Since I'm ridding myself of old habits, I'm going to type the word 'fuck' to get that out of the way too. Fuck.....sorry just needed one more........here we go........
PS If there are any suggestions to help me on this journey, please share them!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
