Days 10-13........Hunny, We're Gonna Need More Paper

For the record, I am going to try to keep this blog as upbeat as possible, but it has been a hard few days. I think that with the opportunity of much happiness, much unhappiness has to be taken care of as well, and this is the part that sucks ass. It is a process that, in itself, takes time, but there is essentially a lot of heartache that goes with it. So as I sit here at Panera drowning my sorrows of the day in a Cinnamon Crunch Bagel with plain shmear, a Chocolate Fudge Brownie, a Chocolate Duet Cookie with Walnuts, and, of course, a diet coke, I will try as much as possible to sort out things as I post them onto here. Scratch that.......I'm probably going to use a lot of curse words, be negative, and use more curse words. Maybe this will help me cope. Come on people, it's a process.

My weekend started out great. My workday Saturday was almost a carbon-copy from Friday night. There were many sales, and it was wonderful commission day. My brother also flew up here and he and Mike landed at the same time, so they took the train together while I was at work.

It is funny to me how when someone is passionate about something, they can be considered a control-freak. For the most part I guess this could be true, except for when it comes to me, in which case I feel completely misunderstood and that my actions are scrutinized, irrationalized and blown out of proportion.

I have felt very hormonal these past few days. One minute I was happy, then the next I was bossy, then the next I was sad, then the next I was being positive, then the next I was scratching for nicotine under my freshly bitten fingernails, then the next I was......blah, blah, BLAH. It was never ending and I was like a Jack-in-the-box of girly emotions. :) My brother called me a control-freak as I was driving us back to my apartment from dinner. He may have had every right to, but I was, in all honesty, comfortable listening to THAT song, at THAT volume, with THAT window rolled down. And maybe I am a control-freak, being as if he has a song that he likes playing on the radio, I change it anyway. But, there you have it, I took his criticism, processed it, and I'm doing with it what I want to. The point is, at least I'm working on something of me, and maybe that will help me on my journey.

Yesterday and today I was having issues with being lonely, sad, confused, tired, utterly over-it, and all of the above. I was using toilet paper for everything from crying, to you-know-what, to cleaning up Briggon's vomit, to blowing my nose.....and when there are three men in the apartment, that's a lot of rolls. I buy the dollar toilet paper, so I'm pretty sure that the trees used to make it are cheaper, and by that I mean, that they don't cost as much as expensive trees. ;) Seriously though, I was just feeling so alone.......I hate that feeling. I left my brother at the train this afternoon knowing that I was going back to the apartment with nothing there. It was the worst feeling in the world. I didn't want him to go, and the one thing worse than feeling alone, is knowing that you are, in fact, alone. It made me a zombie. It was almost as if I tuned everything out so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I don't do that. I never do that. If something needs to be dealt with, I fucking deal with it, and that is probably a huge part of my problem. Maybe I should sometimes just leave stuff alone. Maybe I should let itself work out, and if it doesn't, then screw it; life goes on. If I keep telling myself this, I may start doing it. I have been doing rather well on other things, so I know that this is something that I can overcome.

Getting rid of the "unhappiness" in my life is very hard sometimes, considering a lot of it comes from what I thought made me happy. Doesn't it feel like a gunshot wound right through the nipple when you find out it's not true? It's like a really bad joke that is only funny to the person whom is telling it, and you feel like it was just time you wasted during your life that you know you're not getting back. Whether it be from a relationship, a friendship, a job, a movie, a restaurant, some things just cause unhappiness. I feel like I'm having a garage sale, but it's probably going to be donated because it isn't worth anything, and come to find out, nobody even wants it. Sometimes, the joke just so happens to be on you. Ha fucking ha.



I will try to have a positive outlook tomorrow. It will be a brand-new day, and I will hopefully have a brand-new attitude. I knew there would be bad days, and hopefully today was just one of a handful that will come. As long as I keep going, I know that the weeks will get better.

Goodnight.