Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Days 26 - 29......Maybe I Know Nothing

Maybe overanalyzing EVERYTHING in my life is causing half of the pain and sorrow I deal with. The past few days have been, putting it mildly, a bit rough. Where do I begin? Let's see......It all started this past Sunday morning.....

I awoke to the scene of my white bedroom and could see gray clouds peeking through the miniblinds. This made me wake up with a huge smile on my face. I like my bedding white....it's a natural and clean look and it looks overly comfortable just looking at it, and when I wake up in the morning it's like I'm on clouds....wait...that sounded really gay....anyway.......

I got out of bed and Mike was lying on the sofa with his coffee watching VH1, so I took Gisele to Starbucks with me for the usual Iced Venti Sugar-free Vanilla Coffee with a non-fat topper, then, and I haven't done this in a while, we went through the drive-thru at Dunkin' Donuts and I picked up a DOZEN donuts. We are talking twelve people, and mmmm mmmm mmmmmmm, they was so good, baby. :) I brought what was left in the donut box up stairs, and we went to some garage sales, and then went to the park.

Keep in mind, I NEVER have Sunday's off. It was borderline amazing, and we spent a long time at the park; the d o double g's didn't mind a bit. It fell so fall like, the trees are starting to change colors, and as I was walking under them picking up Briggon's poop with a baggy (what else would I use), I noticed a huge tree with miniature acorns under it. I then started picking them up. They were everywhere. I was being picky however, only wanting the acorns that had the tops still on them, which made the task difficult. They were sparce. But, I was a determined, for some reason, and Mike started to help me. After a while, I got a pretty good amount, and I put them in an apothecary jar once we got to the apartment.

Once we did get to the apartment, I felt the urge to do some fall cleaning, so I started to clean out closets, I gathered clothes to be donated, books, etc. I was quite pleased with myself. During this time, Mike had gotten called out for a trip, so he had to leave for the airport.

I then spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing until I received a call from "text boy" about helping him move. Now....I know I said that I wasn't, but I discussed it with Amy, and I told her that I wanted to do it to be nice, as a nice gesture, as a piece of Kharma that could later come around. It wasn't that I needed to be saying, "Oh, I did this nice thing for "text boy," oh no, nothing like that, but, I was saying, "It's okay to be friends, I want to help with this." Although, I still felt it rather weird him asking me to help, but it's ok. It's ok. I went and helped for about an hour and a half, then came home. I'm glad that I did it, and that's that. This is about finding happiness, and ultimately helping others always makes you feel good.

On the other hand, I was talking to one of my BFF's, Sandy, and it wasn't even the fact that I liked "text boy", because I didn't want anything, and he wasn't really my type, BUT why do I feel that I have to try to make someone like me like that?!!? Is it the imaginary chase that IS NOT happening? HAHAHAHAHAHA! It cracks me up that I'm like this! It's like, "No, I don't like you, but you damn well better like me." How effed up is that? I'm twisted, and I got it twisted. Another downfall. Boy, oh boy....boys are weird anyway. His other friends and I took a quick break from carrying things up a 4th FLOOR walkup, and I was asked how I knew him. After giving my reply of, "Oh, I sold him furniture a few weeks ago." I wanted to jump into traffic! It was embarrassing and it totally made me look like I was asking for it. In which case, I wasn't. OH! Reliving this moment now makes me want to jump out the window, and note to self: Never, ever wear bronzer when you are going to help someone move and you're sweating your ass off. Not cute. Not one bit. I then came home and chain smoked. :)

I am trying to find something else to take place of money being the root of all that is evil and wrong, again, only when I don't have it. It is awful how you HAVE to have something and how it has sooooo much control over your life. I know that it is a part of life, but, come on, and when you are broke, and don't lie, even OPRAH and her moneybags gets on your nerves. I'm not lying, and this is an example of how I need to push my anger elsewhere. Maybe I'll write her a letter and then I can be the effing princess for a day. :) I had a lot of anger on Monday and Tuesday. It started with money, and it's one of those things that cannot be explained, but happens all of the time. And, in fact, it wasn't even money rather then just being in an angry mood, where nothing can be controlled, nothing can make you happy, you just want to bawl. It was weird. I know that I have some days, when I wish my friends from home were up here to be with me. That's natural, and yet it is still so frustrating knowing that you can't have both....unless you're Oprah. :) I will not move back home, and I am dealing with it, but sometimes I just need my KK. Love you, Kylyn!!!!! I go and walk around the mall, I walk a lot when things like this happens. When moods like these happen. When life happens.

I went back to the park yesterday morning by myself. I found larger acorns. I walked alone, for a few hours. It was so peaceful, and I loved/loathed it at the same time. I truly believe that being alone too much isn't healthy. I'm not saying that I am, I am saying, however, that the path can easily be taken to do so. When I'm alone, the leaves on the trees are richer in color, the grass is full and thicker, the scent from the water of the river is more potent. Maybe this is my time with God, because I notice so much that I don't even think of when I'm with someone else. It's a very surreal feeling. I'm in this huge park, and I'm alone, and I can see the layers and layers of branches over my head and I can see the sky and I can feel peace and a sense of release, even if for a few moments, and I am put at ease, again, even for a few moments. Maybe this is why I'm always drawn here when things get to be too much. It's pure bliss, it is God, and it is my time with Him......and with that, I'm not alone at all.

I have been doing just as good as I was on the smoking thing. But, I was sitting outside smoking last night, and as I was sitting there, and SKUNK came around the corner of the little porch and came half a foot from touching mine! I am convinced that there is a kingdom of skunks around somewhere that has a vendetta against me, for what, I don't know. I threw my cigarette, jumped up, held my breath, ran up the stairs, opened the door, woke Mike up, because I AM NOT going to deal with this without his help, and locked the door. You know, because a skunk can run up three flights of stairs and turn the knob. I dunno, I was in a panic. It was beyond disgusting!!!!! I called 311, they couldn't help me. I called pest control this morning, but they want money, and so do I, so we had a draw. I believe I will have to call the landlord. We will see. By we, I mean me, because I am apparently the only one who they bother. Stilll, I don't know, but I am sorry you gross, disease-ridden rodents for whatever it is that I did.

I'm much better tonight. The dogs are lying in front of me on the bed fast asleep. I love it. I have some old skool r&b on the radio and I'm enjoying the downtime. Just gotta keep on keeping on.....keep your head up. :)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Days 22 - 24..........It Takes Two, Boo

Over the past few days, it has come to my attention that for as many things that happen throughout the course of a day, it takes two people interacting to accomplish them. Whether it be a conversation, a bad phone call, an amazing rapport, or a text that is sent from one person and is read and analyzed by the other, someone has to be on the other end.

I'll come back to that.

I have definitely been having more good days than bad days. It's a complete life change trying to be positive, and what I have noticed from it is how negative many people are. Just kidding, but not really. But what really stands out, is when I start to get down on myself, or start having a bad day, it is so easy to be sucked into it, and just let everything ruin the rest of the day. I have trouble there.

For instance, Friday was a real BITCH. I mean, it was just an awful day. It started from, literally, the moment I rolled over in bed and checked my phone and see a text message from "text boy" that was weird and I didn't like it. There have been a lot of mixed signals, and I did go the night before to see his new digs, and by the way it's a great space, and it was fun. I still wasn't asked much about myself, but it was nice all the same. Anyway, i receive a message of, "Dinner with friends is always a good time!" This was replying to my text from the night before asking to go to dinner. BURNED!!!!! I felt completely lame, but my amazing and fabulous friend, Sandy, told me that I'm not, and she is always right. It just felt like kind of a waste, because he is genuinely a nice and goodlooking guy, but if he doesn't even want to get to know me, that's ok too. It just brought out a bit of insecurity and self-consciousness that wasn't fun to deal with, but I dealt with it. AND, I in all honesty dealt with it the wrong way because all I did all day was bitch about it, and that was a roadbump in the road of my journey to happiness. So I need to figure out another way to deal with it. Ultimately, I'm not a game player (for the most part), and I'm straight forward (sometimes). I'm over it now. UPDATE : He just texted me asking if I was going to help him move. WTF?!?!?!? Okay, now I'm only kind of over it. :) And before ya'll get all Ricki Lake on me, I'm not going to help him move, so put that hand down and close your mouth. I know better. Now I have to stop.

My brain is a bit fried because I have been overanalyzing all kinds of crap over and over in my head all week. I would love to hear someone's opinion to yoga, or tai chi, or an actual meditation class. Please, let me know. I am probably repeating myself on this blog, but, I am CONSTANTLY thinking about EVERYTHING. It has helped getting it all on here, but sometimes it's just too much.

And can I just say that I dislike money very much. Well, I dislike what happens when you don't really have money. Yes, I'm in school. Yes, I have a job. Yet, I hate feeling persecuted because this is late or that is past due. Honestly big time corporations, get over it. The person you are employing to call and harrass me, who is going through the exact same thing that I'm going through with another company, is not going to make me give you money faster. The big words and dialogue that is written down for them to read isn't going to make me say, "Hey, screw eating and not paying rent, I'm going to give you money that you shouldn't have." Wow, you're too smart, and don't get me started on how your whole business is run by machines, in which case, you will soon be replaced by a computer, who will of course not require such a hefty salary. Now......back to happiness.

I think that my venting on here helps with my happiness. I don't see venting as being bitchy, or whatever, well maybe, but, it has to come out some way. Maybe I could meditate it out....if I could shadooby it out I would.......I know that I shouldn't have other people read it....it's just a process. And, as you all know, I'm still trying to figure that out.

I took off work tomorrow. I'm so excited but I have to help someone move all day. Lol, psych your mind, I'm just kidding. I'm gonna do some pre-fall cleaning around this joint and hang out with the kids and enjoy the day!!!! I need to get back to posting everyday too, but I'm doing the best I can.

Nighty night.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Days 19-21.......How do I Balance My Life, When I don't Balance My Checkbook?

Well, school started on Monday. I was a bit nervous, I don't know why. I mean, I talk to people for a living, yet when I walked into the classroom, I felt like a kindergartener who was shy to ask to borrow another kid's crayon. It just takes time, I guess.........

I think that the classes are going to be pretty cool. Two Englishes and one Biology, so my load is definitely lighter than last semester. I just have to figure out how to balance everything. Between Mike being gone on a trip, the dogs and cat, school, work, blah, blah, blah.......I really need to figure it out. I usually get to the point where I am so overwhelmed, that I get that shakey nervous feeling and then just call a bill collector and vent to them. In which case, it isn't their problem.....but I'm sure that they deal with a lot more worse people than me. :)

I've done pretty good so far getting on a schedule with everything, so adding school shouldn't be that much of an issue, I very well could just be adding drama that isn't necessary.

Not much else really happening within the past few days. I may have to turn away from my Eat, Pray, Love because I now have to read about 150 pages from my American Lit. class everyweek. I am determined though to finish it on my pursuit of what is pursueable, and that is, ultimate happiness.

I learned a new word in American Lit. class today. Liminal. Liminal - a psychological, neurological, or metaphysical subjective, conscious state of being on the "threshold" of or between two different existential planes. We then discussed the word, and I thought it rather interesting. Our discussion was based on a writing of Samuel de Champlain. We were talking about just being. Just to BE. In his writings, he talks of going from one place to another, in which case, could be a lifelong struggle, and considered liminal. I am in a liminal state as I try to find a more possible happy outcome after my journey. Yet, we are all on a journey. We as a people are always working towards something better, towards something that we don't have, and possibly towards the American Dream. This is an ongoing process, and one that usually lasts a lifetime. What if we were to just "be"? Just live to live, and not worry about possessions materialistic or whathaveyou, JUST LIVE. Wouldn't that be considered ultimate happiness because you are just being? You are living. You're content and you are not in a liminal state. Isn't it weird knowing that we are liminally living in a state of always being between two.....of anything? I find it weird, but I also find it fascinating!

Anyway, as I stay in my liminal state towards a greater happiness, I will continue to find some sort of balance that will compliment my life and coincide with it without causing difficulty, all the while thinking, "What would it be like to just 'be'?"