Days 26 - 29......Maybe I Know Nothing

Maybe overanalyzing EVERYTHING in my life is causing half of the pain and sorrow I deal with. The past few days have been, putting it mildly, a bit rough. Where do I begin? Let's see......It all started this past Sunday morning.....

I awoke to the scene of my white bedroom and could see gray clouds peeking through the miniblinds. This made me wake up with a huge smile on my face. I like my bedding white....it's a natural and clean look and it looks overly comfortable just looking at it, and when I wake up in the morning it's like I'm on clouds....wait...that sounded really gay....anyway.......

I got out of bed and Mike was lying on the sofa with his coffee watching VH1, so I took Gisele to Starbucks with me for the usual Iced Venti Sugar-free Vanilla Coffee with a non-fat topper, then, and I haven't done this in a while, we went through the drive-thru at Dunkin' Donuts and I picked up a DOZEN donuts. We are talking twelve people, and mmmm mmmm mmmmmmm, they was so good, baby. :) I brought what was left in the donut box up stairs, and we went to some garage sales, and then went to the park.

Keep in mind, I NEVER have Sunday's off. It was borderline amazing, and we spent a long time at the park; the d o double g's didn't mind a bit. It fell so fall like, the trees are starting to change colors, and as I was walking under them picking up Briggon's poop with a baggy (what else would I use), I noticed a huge tree with miniature acorns under it. I then started picking them up. They were everywhere. I was being picky however, only wanting the acorns that had the tops still on them, which made the task difficult. They were sparce. But, I was a determined, for some reason, and Mike started to help me. After a while, I got a pretty good amount, and I put them in an apothecary jar once we got to the apartment.

Once we did get to the apartment, I felt the urge to do some fall cleaning, so I started to clean out closets, I gathered clothes to be donated, books, etc. I was quite pleased with myself. During this time, Mike had gotten called out for a trip, so he had to leave for the airport.

I then spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing until I received a call from "text boy" about helping him move. Now....I know I said that I wasn't, but I discussed it with Amy, and I told her that I wanted to do it to be nice, as a nice gesture, as a piece of Kharma that could later come around. It wasn't that I needed to be saying, "Oh, I did this nice thing for "text boy," oh no, nothing like that, but, I was saying, "It's okay to be friends, I want to help with this." Although, I still felt it rather weird him asking me to help, but it's ok. It's ok. I went and helped for about an hour and a half, then came home. I'm glad that I did it, and that's that. This is about finding happiness, and ultimately helping others always makes you feel good.

On the other hand, I was talking to one of my BFF's, Sandy, and it wasn't even the fact that I liked "text boy", because I didn't want anything, and he wasn't really my type, BUT why do I feel that I have to try to make someone like me like that?!!? Is it the imaginary chase that IS NOT happening? HAHAHAHAHAHA! It cracks me up that I'm like this! It's like, "No, I don't like you, but you damn well better like me." How effed up is that? I'm twisted, and I got it twisted. Another downfall. Boy, oh boy....boys are weird anyway. His other friends and I took a quick break from carrying things up a 4th FLOOR walkup, and I was asked how I knew him. After giving my reply of, "Oh, I sold him furniture a few weeks ago." I wanted to jump into traffic! It was embarrassing and it totally made me look like I was asking for it. In which case, I wasn't. OH! Reliving this moment now makes me want to jump out the window, and note to self: Never, ever wear bronzer when you are going to help someone move and you're sweating your ass off. Not cute. Not one bit. I then came home and chain smoked. :)

I am trying to find something else to take place of money being the root of all that is evil and wrong, again, only when I don't have it. It is awful how you HAVE to have something and how it has sooooo much control over your life. I know that it is a part of life, but, come on, and when you are broke, and don't lie, even OPRAH and her moneybags gets on your nerves. I'm not lying, and this is an example of how I need to push my anger elsewhere. Maybe I'll write her a letter and then I can be the effing princess for a day. :) I had a lot of anger on Monday and Tuesday. It started with money, and it's one of those things that cannot be explained, but happens all of the time. And, in fact, it wasn't even money rather then just being in an angry mood, where nothing can be controlled, nothing can make you happy, you just want to bawl. It was weird. I know that I have some days, when I wish my friends from home were up here to be with me. That's natural, and yet it is still so frustrating knowing that you can't have both....unless you're Oprah. :) I will not move back home, and I am dealing with it, but sometimes I just need my KK. Love you, Kylyn!!!!! I go and walk around the mall, I walk a lot when things like this happens. When moods like these happen. When life happens.

I went back to the park yesterday morning by myself. I found larger acorns. I walked alone, for a few hours. It was so peaceful, and I loved/loathed it at the same time. I truly believe that being alone too much isn't healthy. I'm not saying that I am, I am saying, however, that the path can easily be taken to do so. When I'm alone, the leaves on the trees are richer in color, the grass is full and thicker, the scent from the water of the river is more potent. Maybe this is my time with God, because I notice so much that I don't even think of when I'm with someone else. It's a very surreal feeling. I'm in this huge park, and I'm alone, and I can see the layers and layers of branches over my head and I can see the sky and I can feel peace and a sense of release, even if for a few moments, and I am put at ease, again, even for a few moments. Maybe this is why I'm always drawn here when things get to be too much. It's pure bliss, it is God, and it is my time with Him......and with that, I'm not alone at all.

I have been doing just as good as I was on the smoking thing. But, I was sitting outside smoking last night, and as I was sitting there, and SKUNK came around the corner of the little porch and came half a foot from touching mine! I am convinced that there is a kingdom of skunks around somewhere that has a vendetta against me, for what, I don't know. I threw my cigarette, jumped up, held my breath, ran up the stairs, opened the door, woke Mike up, because I AM NOT going to deal with this without his help, and locked the door. You know, because a skunk can run up three flights of stairs and turn the knob. I dunno, I was in a panic. It was beyond disgusting!!!!! I called 311, they couldn't help me. I called pest control this morning, but they want money, and so do I, so we had a draw. I believe I will have to call the landlord. We will see. By we, I mean me, because I am apparently the only one who they bother. Stilll, I don't know, but I am sorry you gross, disease-ridden rodents for whatever it is that I did.

I'm much better tonight. The dogs are lying in front of me on the bed fast asleep. I love it. I have some old skool r&b on the radio and I'm enjoying the downtime. Just gotta keep on keeping on.....keep your head up. :)