Days 17 & 18........Lethal Perception

Let's get down to business. I am coming to the conclusion that having a perception for people can be a very bad thing. At least, in my case, during these past few days, it has been. Let's start with Example #1....and feel free to take notes:

I have been texting with someone for over a week now. There was a movie that we both attended, about five minutes of friendly banter, then some more texting.....not as much as before, but it was still on going. This handsome man has purchased things from me, we text about furniture, and that's about it. So, to see if there is any interest there (I'm not looking for a relationship, but still.....) I extend an invitation to do something outside of visiting at my place of work or texting. I get a reply that states, pretty much, that they're busy this week (which they are), and that it isn't that, "I'm not not wanting to." Really? The downfall of this whole uneventful escapade is the fact that there hasn't been much talk about anything else except for furniture that he is purchasing. And let's face it, as much as I enjoy talking about furniture, it's not as much fun as talking about myself. :) I'm kidding, but let's get real, you can't really get to know someone in this type of setting unless you learn about them outside on a personal basis, and not on a home improving scale. The bottom line is that it is hard knowing that you are being perceived through text messaging, for the most part, where you cannot see emotions or senses of sarcasm on the screen of a Blackberry, and this, for lack of a better use of words, sucks ass. He very well could be a great guy, he certainly has amazing taste, and hopefully I will be able to surpass the technology of text messaging and get to know him in person. We'll see.

Example #2

Whoever coined the phrase, "If you think you hate everyone on the planet, talk to someone who works in retail," obviously had bad experience in the field, but they weren't completely off the mark, in fact, they were quite close. It's hard to travel through a journey of finding happiness when there are some hateful people in this world. Take a mother and her son who were both in the store today with her husband and his wife looking at home accessories. I was very friendly and smiling and doing my job. There was no reason for The Mother to give me the evil eye and act as though I was getting ready to hand out the Swine Flu for Halloween. First it was, "well, if my son buys a lot of clearance items, can you take a little off the price?" "No, I can't." I tell her this and she just stares at me......awkward. It went on and on, and she thought that I was swindling them into buying all of these things at apparently what she thought to be high prices, when infact they were marked down over 60% off and consisted of merely a couple of lamps, a mirror, and a little dresser. My goodness, you would have thought that I was trying to sell them a used car at the price of a new Audi. It's this perception crap.
Her perception of me was a "sleezy" salesman. And, of course, I'm not. Which brings me to my point. It's almost like judgement. Actually, they could be given hand in hand on most levels. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Don't judge a person by their text messages. Don't judge a person because of their clothing, or job, or status, or car, or whatever. It's sad, but I realized that I do it, and that I shouldn't, and it really opens your eyes! It is insane to me to think that I have the right to assume that I am better than somebody else, only by taking them at face-value. Jeez. Just a little somthing to think about as I continue my journey.

I start classes tomorrow, wish me much luck!

Dream Sweet.

Day 16......A Skunk is NOT a Kitty

I didn't sleep much last night and I woke up at 1 o'clock in the morning to check my bank account. I know that I said I was going to stop, but my phone was lying right there next to my trusty eye mask, and the man's soothing automated voice was calling for me. So, I obliged. Then, at 3am, I was craving a Diet Sprite, and I haven't had a Diet Sprite since the last time I was sick, when you're supposed to drink Diet Sprite, because that's what you do. I was tempted to walk to 7-11, but it was rainy.

THEN I woke up at 6am, and that is when I began my day, at the Spin Cycle ready to do laundry half an hour later. Poor Mike, I sometimes feel sorry for him when I'm ready to conquer the world so early, and by world, I mean go shopping at thrift stores and garage sales before work. Why must I always be up and ready to go right when I wake up? I'm not one to just lounge around and watch sexy Matt Lauer on the Today Show, start the coffee maker, and lie on the sofa. No, no, no, not me, I have to jump in the shower, take the dogs to the park, then go to Starbucks and listen to whatever hip indie/jazzy music they're playing, THEN come home and watch sexy Matt Lauer on the Today Show as I prepare lunch for the morning and sweep the hardwood, all this even before a morning BM. I mean, seriously, sometimes I wish I could calm down and relax and just go with it. But, if I just go with it, I feel that I'm going to miss something, but in all honesty, I'm not going to miss anything. I'm rambling........

So, one of my all time favorite things to do in the morning is go to Target. I literally cannot get enough. I walk into that store with the biggest grin on my face, carrying it all the way to the Method cleaning products (because the Sweet Water scent makes me CRAZY). Then I just walk around and do nothing. Maybe this is my relaxation. wait........Maybe this is my relaxation? That's better. What if, instead of lying on the sofa sipping coffee, my relaxation is Target? Hmmmmm. Ladies and gentle ladies, I believe I have just had a breakthrough. Infact, what if my relaxation is really, in all honesty, walking around ANY retail establishment? It is my duty to relax, and if I must shop around in stores to accomplish full relaxation, who am I to not give myself this sense of zen? Ok then. Next time I go to Target, I will go to their "Serene CD" section next to maternity and meditate on something amazing, that only Target would have, and reach out to the wonderful towels and bath sheets that are so soft that I could, and probably would, meditate until I reached a perfect, no stress, utter perfection of what being carefree really is. Wow, that felt good.

I had a great day at work today, too. I had done a design consultation at a customer's house this past Monday, and he came in today to check out the ideas I had for his space. He really liked them and pretty much said, "Let's do it." So we did....and I'm going to help stage the space once it's delivered.

After work I went to the mall to buy hand soaps from Bath and Body Works, another guilty pleasure. Bath and Body Works is very much like Sephora, whereas it is a mecca for product whores like myself. I love it. Then I came home, went to Walgreens, went to get my winning lotto ticket, blah, blah, blah......and THEN, on my way home, I was walking past what I thought was a cat, when.....in fact.....it was......gulp.....a.......SKUNK! I had always thought that urban skunks were a myth.......but no, they are infact very real. It was dark on the block, and I saw it start to run away, and I could hear it's disgusting nails hitting the pavement as it ran down the sidewalk. I stood there, then I moved to the left, then the right.....I looked like I was doing the Electric Slide in the middle of an effing Cul-de-Sac, by myself, at 9:30 at night. Oh the humanity! Then it ran infront of me, crossing the road, I wanted to vomit. I couldn't vomit though, because for some reason, I was just as worried about the smell. I kept sniffing, and sniffing, then holding my breath and sniffing some more. Nothing. Thank God. I didn't want to get it on me, and knowing my luck, everyone in the apartment building where the incident was occuring in front of, would have opened their windows only to see a lone white boy with a serious gas problem. Not to be dramatic.

But alas, I am now lying in bed working on my blog, and I smell of Warm Vanilla Sugar from Bath and Body Works thanks to my trusty new bottle of hand soap. Life is good.

Abientot.

Day 15........What's in a Name?

We are now on Day 2 of rain. I am rather enjoying it and see it as a sneak preview of fall. I finally got to get my books today at Northeastern, and I start school on Monday! It is amazing to me how 9 hours of school costs almost $300 in books. CRAZY! I have to be careful too, because I had $574 from Financial Aid, and I could go shopping with the rest of it in the bookstore. And believe me, I could! I was good though. We will see about tomorrow.

So.......today I had a customer in the store, who is a regular, and he called me "Patrick". Then, I had another customer come in today and asked, "It's Brett, right?" He was from New Zealand with an amazing accent, so I let that one slide. At the same time, during the course of today, I am having texting issues with a guy, and it is just annoying. It's too much! I was feeling sorry for myself until "text" guy came in to say 'hi'. Now it's awkward texts (or lack thereof) again. Oh well.

I was walking home from work, with a bit of a drizzle, and about 62 degrees, and it was awesome. I thought for a while about what was making me happy. I also thought that maybe, just maybe, to find true happiness I should try to be happy with what I have in my life now. Hmmmm?? The next few days I will ponder more into this and see what happens.

I'm about to read now, I was debating earlier on shortening my name from Brad, to something else, but if you can't remember a four letter name, then I don't care to get to know you anyway. I type this with the utmost positive energy.

Goodnight.

Day 14.........The Beat Goes On

So yesterday I went to the movies with a guy who is a customer of mine from work, and it was two, two and a half minute conversations, one before, and one after the movie. He is a nice guy, but it was weird because we really still do not know each other. I just wanted to get that out of the way.......

You know those days where you wake up at 5:47am, wanting a huge apple pancake, and you're willing to take the train all the way downtown to have one? Well, this morning was one of those mornings. Luckily, I rolled over and grabbed my eye mask and forced myself to go back to sleep.

I woke up again a little before 8 o'clock and convinced Mike to go to the burbs so that I could have an adventure trip to Hobby Lobby. It was rainy, and gray, and nothing beats a cloudy day than having craft hour at THE place of crafts. I hadn't been since I lived in Amarillo, over two years ago, so it was great. :) They had aisles and aisles of fall decorations and even Christmas ornaments and I was in Heaven! Then after that, after we left Hobby Lobby, we went to IKEA, where I had three levels of happiness. It was madness, madness that was needed.

I kept a close eye on my supposed 'control-freak' issue, noticing a bit of what Bryan was talking about as I drew a blank picture with my fingers of directions that the man at the gas station was giving me. After saying, "so it's almost like driving in a three-sided square, huh?" four times, I gave up. I looked like I was giving a meeting, and the woman behind me only wanted to pay for her Marlboro 100's, and I could tell that the man behind the counter thought I was an idiot. So with that, I put my fingers down and walked back out to the car with nothing, really. Oh well.

Later this afternoon, I walked through the park to Starbucks to grab an iced coffee, and as soon as I walked back out of the store it was pouring. I was only 6 blocks away from home, so I decided to call my friend, Dana, and walk it. I lasted about 15 minutes, and then I had to call Mike to get me. I was soaked, and it was kind of nice, because I really didn't care until the end. I got home and took a nap, something I never do, then ate my weight in Orange Chicken. MMMMMMMM.

I didn't call my bank once today. I didn't call any bill collector's once today. I let go.....today. I'm going to read past page 12 tonight with Eat, Pray, Love. I'm feeling good and I ripped out a new frangrance I like for fall out of the new GQ. Go me.

Nighty night.

Days 10-13........Hunny, We're Gonna Need More Paper

For the record, I am going to try to keep this blog as upbeat as possible, but it has been a hard few days. I think that with the opportunity of much happiness, much unhappiness has to be taken care of as well, and this is the part that sucks ass. It is a process that, in itself, takes time, but there is essentially a lot of heartache that goes with it. So as I sit here at Panera drowning my sorrows of the day in a Cinnamon Crunch Bagel with plain shmear, a Chocolate Fudge Brownie, a Chocolate Duet Cookie with Walnuts, and, of course, a diet coke, I will try as much as possible to sort out things as I post them onto here. Scratch that.......I'm probably going to use a lot of curse words, be negative, and use more curse words. Maybe this will help me cope. Come on people, it's a process.

My weekend started out great. My workday Saturday was almost a carbon-copy from Friday night. There were many sales, and it was wonderful commission day. My brother also flew up here and he and Mike landed at the same time, so they took the train together while I was at work.

It is funny to me how when someone is passionate about something, they can be considered a control-freak. For the most part I guess this could be true, except for when it comes to me, in which case I feel completely misunderstood and that my actions are scrutinized, irrationalized and blown out of proportion.

I have felt very hormonal these past few days. One minute I was happy, then the next I was bossy, then the next I was sad, then the next I was being positive, then the next I was scratching for nicotine under my freshly bitten fingernails, then the next I was......blah, blah, BLAH. It was never ending and I was like a Jack-in-the-box of girly emotions. :) My brother called me a control-freak as I was driving us back to my apartment from dinner. He may have had every right to, but I was, in all honesty, comfortable listening to THAT song, at THAT volume, with THAT window rolled down. And maybe I am a control-freak, being as if he has a song that he likes playing on the radio, I change it anyway. But, there you have it, I took his criticism, processed it, and I'm doing with it what I want to. The point is, at least I'm working on something of me, and maybe that will help me on my journey.

Yesterday and today I was having issues with being lonely, sad, confused, tired, utterly over-it, and all of the above. I was using toilet paper for everything from crying, to you-know-what, to cleaning up Briggon's vomit, to blowing my nose.....and when there are three men in the apartment, that's a lot of rolls. I buy the dollar toilet paper, so I'm pretty sure that the trees used to make it are cheaper, and by that I mean, that they don't cost as much as expensive trees. ;) Seriously though, I was just feeling so alone.......I hate that feeling. I left my brother at the train this afternoon knowing that I was going back to the apartment with nothing there. It was the worst feeling in the world. I didn't want him to go, and the one thing worse than feeling alone, is knowing that you are, in fact, alone. It made me a zombie. It was almost as if I tuned everything out so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I don't do that. I never do that. If something needs to be dealt with, I fucking deal with it, and that is probably a huge part of my problem. Maybe I should sometimes just leave stuff alone. Maybe I should let itself work out, and if it doesn't, then screw it; life goes on. If I keep telling myself this, I may start doing it. I have been doing rather well on other things, so I know that this is something that I can overcome.

Getting rid of the "unhappiness" in my life is very hard sometimes, considering a lot of it comes from what I thought made me happy. Doesn't it feel like a gunshot wound right through the nipple when you find out it's not true? It's like a really bad joke that is only funny to the person whom is telling it, and you feel like it was just time you wasted during your life that you know you're not getting back. Whether it be from a relationship, a friendship, a job, a movie, a restaurant, some things just cause unhappiness. I feel like I'm having a garage sale, but it's probably going to be donated because it isn't worth anything, and come to find out, nobody even wants it. Sometimes, the joke just so happens to be on you. Ha fucking ha.



I will try to have a positive outlook tomorrow. It will be a brand-new day, and I will hopefully have a brand-new attitude. I knew there would be bad days, and hopefully today was just one of a handful that will come. As long as I keep going, I know that the weeks will get better.

Goodnight.

Day 9........When It Rains, It Pours

As I lie here watching Bridget Jones Diary, I ask myself, "If I gain 40lbs, fake an English accent, will I get my choice between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth?" Probably not, but it is a bit fun to think about it, and my choice would clearly be Colin Firth, for some reasons which are clear, and others which will remain private.

Today was a GREAT day! I had many customers come back into the store to make purchases and one $6000 sale! This is a big deal for a small furniture/home accessories store, as well as for my paycheck. I had a small heart to heart with management, and was told that if I wanted to keep my job until I found a new one, that I could hold my two weeks notice.

I received an email today from a customer who wanted to schedule me to go to his apartment for a design consultation. I was supposed to have arrived at 8pm, but had to cancel until Monday due to the fact that I was held at work by a couple furnishing their new condo. THEN, a customer who has come in a few times, came back in today to pick some other things out for his new apartment. It's hard to keep it cool when your stomach is in your throat and you're light headed and UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I composed myself, helped him out and gave him advice, and did the best I could to play it cool, but at the same time, play it smooth. I'm sure I failed miserably, and he was handsome and so nice..............and I just received an email to go out for coffee............it's great to make friends through work. :)

My brother, Bryan, is flying up tomorrow. I'm excited and we're just going to relax, go to some thrift stores, the beach, the batting cages, etc; just hang out and probably do some swimming. I'm going to take him to the Forest Preserve too.

You know, I told Mike tonight that being positive and staying focused on being happy is really helping and showing a major affect on my life....and on his. There has been less stress and good things have happened. It makes me hopeful for what has yet to come, and I'm 112% geared up for the road ahead.

I just wanted to post something quick, I'm sorry it's short.

Goodnight to all!

Day 8.........Why? Because I Said Ho.

I accidentally called my boss a ho today. Actually, a hoe. I was replying to an email from my phone, and my damn (damn is not a bad word) automated text picked the word "hoe", instead of "got". Whoops. At least my email made no sense, and he figured it out. Technology these days, however scary it may be, can run my entire life, or apparently ruin it, so it should be able to read my mind. I'm just saying. Cell phone companies are probably waiting until the holidays to come out with that function for your phone though. Crazy hooplah.

Today was a bittersweet day. My coworker and wonderful friend, Amy, worked her last day today at our place of employment. There are certain people that come into your life where you immediately make a connection that will last a lifetime. She is one of those people to me. Love you, Amy!!! I will terribly miss working with you!

I had a job interview today that took place during my lunch break and I was really excited about it. I hadn't worn a belt in so long that this morning I was tearing through my closet trying to find one. I found one, and only one. Well, to be honest I found, like, 112, but 111 of them were Mike's and I was not blessed with his waistsize. Gisele had chewed on the end of my only belt, making it look like a small piece of black-colored chewed up bubble gum. Exquisite! I had no time to run to the local thrift store before work, so with only the means of my innovative wit to get by, I took a black Sharpie and a hot iron and made it work. The interview went really well, yet the pay offered was a bit off. A BIT. I was offered employment but I am going to take a couple of days to think about it. It goes to show that if people tell you there aren't any job opportunities out there, they're not looking hard enough. Jobs are out there, and this gave me hope in knowing that I will find something that will be just like me and my Sheer Blonde hair pomade, a perfect fit, and an amazing combination of what only dreams are made of.

I am impressed with the positive energy I've been carrying around with me. For instance, when there was a guy driving really slow in front of me down Lincoln Ave., I didn't shout foul language, nor did I give sign language learned from "The Road Rager's Guide to Driving in the City." I simply got into the other lane, lifted my hand when my car got next to their car, and turned up the radio because a Pink Floyd song came on. I was very proud of myself. And guess what, it wasn't even worth it, and I'm sure the next guy behind him gave him the finger and said a few choice words. It's too bad for him. ;)

I even tried meditating today while on hold with the Electric company. Their hold music is very zen and classical and I totally zoned out for 6 to 8 minutes until the next representative was connected. It was thuper great.

Anyway, I'm quite tired now, and Heidi Klum just said, "you're out", and I have to do what she says or else I'll have to buy one of her husband's CD's.

Goodnight everyone!

Day 7......Two Weeks Notice, If You Behave Yourself

After a fun speedbump of the day, Mike and I went to the pool for some rest and relaxation. If I could swim for a living I would, I love it. While being entirely consumed by water, I realized that it was similar to the situation I am currently in. There is always a chance that I can stay under and hit the bottom, or, I can float to the top, take a deep breath, and keep on a truckin'. I love a challenge.

We went to the Forest Preserve today with the dogs after we swam. It was amazing, and it is hard to believe that it is only a few miles away from my apartment. It reminded us of Red River and it was beautiful. The dogs loved it, and it was Utopia for me as well. We made it back to the apartment before the storms hit, and I received a phone call from a potential employer requesting an interview tomorrow!!!!! Wish me luck, it is a wonderful place where I would be lucky to work!

I am now just relaxing and about to meet my wonderful friend, and soon-to-be ex coworker Amy, for a drink. Did I mention her notice is in at work as well? I have more to add, but I will do it later on.

Have a great night!

P.S. My dad officially turned old (by my standards) two years ago, but his birthday was yesterday! Everytime my parents have a birthday, it makes me feel old, isn't that weird?

Day 6.....Money Can't Buy It (Well, Maybe a Little)

I woke up yesterday morning with Gisele patting her head on my face until I moved. It was a great day. The weather here in Chicago was picture-perfect, and the dogs and I took advantage. We went to the park, twice. The second time we went it was quite hot and sunny. So, we tried to lay out a bit, which didn't work out that well considering that Briggon was trying to jump in my lap every 2 seconds and Gisele only wanted to play with her soccer ball. They never tire out!

I was lucky enough to find at the library 'Eat, Pray, Love' and 'The Last Lecture'. I started EPL last night, and I expect that it will be a great read. I was at the library for about an hour last night. Yeah, I closed it down. Haha, don't people normally close the bar? Oh well, that's how I roll. I love the atmosphere of a good library, and if they have a good movie selection, even better.

One thing that I did yesterday morning, that I need to rid myself of, is reaching over to the nightstand, grabbing my phone, and dialing the automated system to my bank account. I did this while still half asleep and with Gisele still tapping her head on my face. I don't know why I feel the need to know my sense of worth, or in the case, lack thereof, first thing in the morning. Maybe if I had the phone number to the automated system that handled Oprah's bank account, and called it every morning, I would feel much better. But, this is one of my dilemmas. Why does money have to be such a huge part of my daily routine? I know I have to have money, but the amount that I have shouldn't be such an issue that I start my daily activities with a call to Bank of America. This will definitely be something that I will start to work on.

Due to my procrastinating nature, I have yet to really sit down and make lists and goals that I hope to complete within the time frame I am allowing myself. I will get it done though. If not, I will just blame it on what every other grown adult in America over the age of 25 does when they cannot finish something, and blame it on a self diagnosis of A.D.D.

Today, I am going to swim, sunburn, and lay on the grass and read. Briggon has a doctor's appointment as we speak, Mike took him, and then the rest of the day will be that of relaxation. Ha, look at me being all positive.

Have a great day everyone!

P.S. I didn't have a cigarette yesterday, nor have I had one yet today. It's much easier when I'm not at work.

Day 4 & 5........One, Two, Three, Four, Tell Me That You'll Pay Me More

I'm sitting in Starbucks watching it rain, such a nice day. I apologize for not posting anything last night, I had no internet access for the latter part of the evening. Yesterday was a pretty good day! I didn't have to be at work until 11:30am, and I only had to work until 5. The dogs and I did our normal morning routine and went to the park to play soccer then went through the drive-thru at Starbucks. The people that work there pretty much know them, so Briggon and Gisele usually end up with either a small cup of whipped cream each, or a biscuit. I am still trying different ways of brushing off stress or crazy customers, and I'm doing a pretty good job! I have found that smiling helps. My amazing coworker Amy and I had some pretty insane customers for about the last hour at work yesterday. It was rainy all day, and I guess they didn't enjoy it? They were a bit rude and it was over nothing. I didn't even let it bother me. Amy and I did make a few remarks back and forth, but I really didn't let it affect me. I left work, and left all that happened that day there too.

I didn't make my daily purchase for cigarettes yesterday either. Even though I did give Amy a dollar when I needed one of hers, I didn't do it that much.

It's funny to me how people can try to send out their negative energy to others. I received emails last night starting around 11pm via my Blackberry since my computer wasn't working. I may have the email function turned off of my phone, because I really don't feel the need to be that tied to technology and it is a bit of a nuisance for the most part. Anyway, email can be used as a chicken-shit way of getting points across that should be done in person. Most people have probably done it, but with some things, they should definitely be left until the receiver is actually standing in front of you. I don't mean to be so vague about the situation, but, trust me when I say that it was not necessary and a bit uncalled for. I was upset at first and it was the last thing I read before I went to sleep. Thank you, kind person. I am ever so greatful, I now know what not to do, my dear superior.

I have been thinking that if all else fails, I will be a dog-walker. It pays rather well, believe it or not, and it will be something that is flexible with my school schedule. With the prospect of that and maybe a gig at Starbucks, or even an internship with someone who needs English majors, I'll be set. As long as I can still provide for my family, I'm happy. If life is full of struggles, then struggle I shall do. ;)

This morning after my and the dogs' soccer game, I came home, did laundry, put up the new curtain rods, cleaned, and bathed Briggon and Gisele. Gisele, whom I call "little one", was a handful. I had to hold her in the bathtub with one hand and bathe her with the other one. On the positive side, she dries in five minutes, whereas it takes 3 towels, a Sham-wow, a hair-dryer, and much time and patience to get Briggon even halfway dry. They despise bath-time, but they love it as they run out of their supposed jail cell that Mike and I call the bathroom.

The rest of today was lazy. I kept the television on AMC which was showing Mystic Pizza, and I just layed on the couch.

I really love the rain. I can tell that fall is approaching.....everywhere I go Halloween candy and costumes are popping up. Walgreens already has two aisles displaying rows and rows of candy. This approach baffles me, and makes most people ready for the holiday to be over before it even gets here.

My days are much better, even after 5, knowing that I am on a path of less stress. I will dig deeper into things as I continue my journey, but just keeping it in my head that I will not let bad energy get to me, has helped so much!

Have a good one!

Day 3......Another Gay, Another Bawler

I just watched an older gay man crying on the Antique Roadshow because an art expert gave him an appraisal of $120,000 to $180,000 for a nicotine-covered painting that was left to him by his mother. Could you imagine! That is a piece of hidden happiness right there, and who knew that years of cigarette smoke could give a painting a vintage-like appeal?

It was slow at work today so there isn't much to report. I had some great conversations with a few customers and also a few friends. I wanted to go out tonight, but it's hard to get ready to go out when your roommate has to go to bed at 8 o'clock in the evening. I need music and liveliness to get ready! So right now I'm just hanging out watching some black and white starring Bogart.

I think I am going to have to work a lot harder on things then I first thought. Monday will probably be a great time to make lists, and hopes and etc. I need to set up a "Visualization Board" in the office to help me, well, visualize. I only had a few cigarettes today, which is good, but I also had two snocones. It is insane to me how most people really do replace one addiction with another. I'm trying to think of different things instead of eating, to do instead of smoking. I'll figure it out eventually. I've lost 15 pounds, and I'm not looking for them.

Goodnight everyone!

Day 2......One Day at a Time

I'm tired. I know that things cannot change over night and that patience is a virtue, so I'm dealing with that. I did however find myself not participating in gossip and just walking away. It was nice, and a person really doesn't see how much of this goes on unless they step back and take a look.

I was no angel though. I had the mouth of a sailor today. Again, I know it's going to take time, so I'm not worried about not doing amazingly well the second day. I do know that some days are harder than others. The smoking wasn't that bad, I only had a couple of three. I am really tired, lol!!! I'm sitting on the sofa with my laptop about to fall fast asleep.

My place of employment was a bit better today and I have at least a couple of more weeks of breathing a sigh of relief, after that, who knows?

I'm keeping it short today. I went to Borders to look for the book "The Last Lecture" that was recommended by my cousin, Crystal, after an amazing Chinese buffet that filled me up. I did embarrass Mike a little bit when I didn't like the fortune in my fortune cookie and asked for another one. I didn't see anything wrong with it.

Ok peeps, Gisele is looking at me wanting some attention from her dad. This is one of my favorite parts of my day, so I'm going to go enjoy it. a bientot.

Day 1......Taking a Deep Breath

What a day to start finding my true happiness! I woke up to my cat, Tia, standing on top of the nightstand next to the bed crying in my face. This was at 5:40 a.m. and set off a chain of events that ended with the aroma of Folgers creeping its head into my bedroom fifteen minutes later. Both dogs, Briggon and Gisele, heard Tia and ran from the hallway into my room, ready to attack. Incase I forgot to tell you, this was all at 5:40 a.m. I covered my head with my pillow listening to Mike take the dogs outside for their morning BM's, then he came inside and started the coffee pot. I quickly ran for the bedroom door to shut it, turned the air conditioner on, put the eye mask I have on standby over my eyes, and whisked myself back into my dream of Channing Tatum teaching me dance moves for an audition of "Step Up 3". Pure bliss.

One thing that I am definitely going to work on during these 100 days is my morning-self. Apparently, when I first arise for a brand new day, I am bitchy. Not always mind you, only when there is someone else in the apartment. Even in the morning, as I learned this morning, I feel the need to have the last word. Having a petty argument this morning that I cannot even recall the basis of tonight proves that my last word will not be remembered. Thus, what was the point of almost starting the day off with a negative situation? Tricky stuff that I am dealing with here. I will try to think with my head (gulp), instead of rushing to open my mouth.

In all honesty, I have no desire to speak of my job, but for this to be an honest blog, I will be an honest person. To grow as a person, I need to open myself 100% in order to fully view the extent of chaos in my life and blah, blah, blah. I just may not always be specific, but being a small-town boy, more times than not, I will be. :)

Being layed off and losing my job has never really affected me......until today. My stomach was in knots. I had that feeling in my stomach where it felt like an ulcer, a kidney stone, a gallbladder stone, and appendicitis were fusing together to form some sort of mid-body crisis that made me wish Pepto Bismol ran from the tap. I was insanely nervous and became numb to the fact that I very well could become a member of an economical statistic for 2009......the bad side. I noticed how everytime that I made myself nervous about my job, I would run outside and have a cigarette. I am going to do my best to completely quit smoking, so tomorrow at work rather than reach for a Parliament Light, I am going to take cheap Vodka and keep it close by and reach for it instead. I'm kidding, I'll take some amazingly refreshing peppermint gum. Maybe three packs. Seriously though, I am always so sorry to hear of people losing their employment due to the recession just as much as I despise even hearing about the recession, and I never thought that I would have to worry about it. I may not have to much longer. I can faintly make out a door closing, but I see a small window that's open right above it and with my new approach to not eating carbs, my ass may very well fit through it, but we will have to see, and for now, this is the end of this topic.

I walked the 35 minutes home from work today. This truly gives me enjoyment. It lets me clear my head and the funny thing is I don't even think about anything while I'm walking home. Maybe that's why I love it so much. There is no bank account (or lack there of) going through my head, no bills, no chores to do; it is utter peace. It is me smiling for 35 minutes and breathing and living and not worrying. It is one thing I shall do more of.

I will tuck myself in tonight knowing that I put forth an honest effort towards my goal of sublime happiness, a small one maybe, but at least it was an effort, and hopefully tomorrow it will not be as exhausting. ;)

Goodnight.

P.S. I only said the word 'shit' twice today, and the word 'asshole' once, but he deserved it and who am I to not tell the truth. Only three uses of profanity in one day? My languauge is definitely getting better, which makes me feel better.

The Night Before Happiness..........

It is a rough world out there. I sometimes think I'm happy and that I'm living and loving my life, and BAM, it hits me, I haven 't the slightest clue. Happiness can be ruined by an argument, stress, another day of trying to quit smoking, a bad day at work, a rainy day, another depressing movie on Lifetime, etc. I'm sure that when I am confronted by these random acts of "unhappiness" I go full force into a direction that I shouldn't. However, my actions are hopefully about to change.

For 100 days I will try to shed a new light on how I deal with things that take my happiness away. My desire is to learn how to deal with stress in a way that is beneficial to me, to the world, and to my happiness. During these days, I will try and not use profanity, I will not be catty, I will recycle, I will do things that I love, I will do things that I've always wanted to do, and I will become a better person. In three hours, my negativity is out the window. In three hours, my life will start a journey of what I hope endures growth, spirituality, and an enlightened look at what happiness really means to me. I hope to get a better sense of myself, and to find out exactly who I am.

My ultimate goal is genuine happiness, and in all honesty, isn't that the goal of everyone?

This will be a learning experience for me and also an overall look at viewing my life day by day. I would normally say that I hope this isn't a waste of time; but that's just me being negative. Since I'm ridding myself of old habits, I'm going to type the word 'fuck' to get that out of the way too. Fuck.....sorry just needed one more........here we go........



PS If there are any suggestions to help me on this journey, please share them!